HS #264 Middle School: The Inside Story with Cynthia Tobias and Sue Acuña

HS #264 Middle School: The Inside Story with Cynthia Tobias and Sue Acuña

Links and Resources:

Show Notes:

About Cynthia Tobias

Best-selling author of best-selling books The Way They Learn and You Can’t Make Me! (But I Can Be Persuaded) and featured frequently on Focus on the Family’s Best of Broadcast, Cynthia Tobias has a successful background that includes over 32 years as an author and speaker, 8 years of teaching high school, and 6 years in law enforcement.

Cynthia has written 14 books and is a featured guest on radio and television, a popular presenter for business, government agencies, churches, and schools throughout the U.S. and the world. She is the mother of twin sons, now young adults, and she and her husband Jack live in the Seattle area.

About Sue Acuña

Sue Acuña is one of those goofy teachers who enjoys spending time with middle schoolers. She and Cynthia Tobias co-authored Middle School: The Inside Story (What Kids Tell Us But Don’t Tell You), which has led to new adventures as a speaker. She has crisscrossed the country sharing anecdotes and advice on how the classroom experience can be more successful and enjoyable for everyone—students, parents, and teachers.

Sue received her B.A. and M.Ed. from Concordia University, Portland. She currently teaches middle school at Concordia Christian Academy in Tacoma and also directs the choir at St. Luke’s Lutheran in Federal Way. Sue and her husband Paul have been married for almost 40 years and have raised three sons, one of whom is married and expecting a son in June.

Resources Mentioned:

Tobias, Cynthia Ulrich and Sue Chan Acuňa. Middle School: The Inside Story—What Kids Tell Us But Don’t Tell You. Colorado Springs: Focus on the Family/Tyndale.

Tobias, Cynthia Ulrich. You Can’t Make Me! (But I Can Be Persuaded. Colorado Spring: Waterbrook/Multnomah Press.

Middle School: The Inside Story: What Kids Tell Us, But Don't Tell You

You Can't Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded), Revised and Updated Edition: Strategies for Bringing Out the Best in Your Strong-Willed Child



Show Transcript:

HS EP 265



Wendy -

Hello and welcome back to another installment of the Homeschool Solutions Show. My name is Wendy Speake and I am one of the many hosts we have here on the podcast. Each week you'll hear from one of us inviting one of our friends to join for a conversation about this busy blessed season as we educate our children at home. Now the title of the show is Homeschool Solutions. While we don't have the answer to every question we know that all the solutions to every stress and every struggle can be found in the Person and presence of Jesus Christ and His living and active and applicable Word. We're so glad that you're here for today's conversation, but before we start the show, I'd like to thank our sponsors.

Medi-share. An affordable and Biblical healthcare alternative. Find out more at mychristiancare.org for their ongoing support of homeschooling families just like ours.

And Operation Christmas Child. Now more than ever, children need hope. As the world struggles with the coronavirus pandemic, we want to let them know that God loves them and has not forgotten them. The best way to get involved is to pack a shoebox yourself. As you specially select each item, packing a shoebox becomes a blessing to you, as well as the child who receives it. Be sure to include a note in the photo. If packing a traditional shoebox just isn't an option for you this year, we can do it for you. Build a shoebox online. You can find out more at samaritanspurse.org/occ.

And now, on to today’s show.

Cynthia -

This is Cynthia Tobias.

Sue -

And this is Sue Acuna.

Cynthia -

And you're listening to it's never just another day. We're talking today, Sue, about a really interesting but kind of super challenging topic in some ways.

Sue -

And a topic that's close to my heart.

Cynthia -

It is.

Sue -

I teach middle school grades five through 8. Love the age group. I've loved decoding them all these years and figuring out how to relate to them. And, you know, teach them along the way.

Cynthia -

And here's the thing that might surprise a lot of parents. Puberty, actually, it has evolved into the point where the most recent studies indicate that kids often start puberty between the ages of nine and 14, and some parents are listening, they're like wait, wait, wait. Nine. My child's in 3rd grade. That can't happen.

S -

Yeah, we talked to a parent that one time who said, ‘oh, I'm glad my daughter is only in fifth grade. I figure I've got two good years left out of me’ and we just laughed and looked at her. Because how many moms have we talked to? Especially who said their daughters are starting puberty much earlier? And there's not real strong evidence for any particular reason but but there's definitely been a shift over the years.

C -

And are kind of slice on this, is not so much the physical part of puberty, but it's recognizing some of those, sometimes subtle and some not so subtle clues that, uh oh, something's different with this child. All of a sudden, sometimes overnight, right? It can just happen to begin.

S -

It feels like it you've got a child who comes home and says Mom guess what and the next day you're getting almost nothing. You're saying hey, how was school today? Fine. What happened? Nothing. And you feel like a stranger has walked through your door.

C -

And you and I just very few years ago, partnered together with Focus on the Family, to write the book Middle School, The Inside Story. Now I was hesitant at first 'cause I taught high school and I was always just a little apprehensive about middle school. But a focus, ask, you know, would I come up with a book like this? And I said well, if I do I have to get the best middle school teacher. The most enthusiastic one I can imagine. And it's going to be my friend Sue Acuna. And we'll write it together. And we decided on an angle which is talking to, I think we ended up with two or three hundred, maybe 400 altogether, satellite areas talking to at least 200 middle schoolers in-depth about what was going on, and what did they, what were they sensing or feeling that they didn't want to tell anybody else or didn't know even how to figure themselves out. And I have to tell you we spent about a year immersed in middle schoolers, which you're used to.

S -

It's my life.

C -

I gained this all-new appreciation, thinking, oh my goodness, I fell in love with these middle school kids. They were just amazing.

S -

It's really a deep and insightful time of life. More so I think than parents realize. Kids are thinking about the why's of the world they live in and why am I doing what I'm doing, and I think, what we found most fascinating was the number of times they said I wish my parents knew this. And, of course, we, being silly adults would say, well, you should tell them and they would say no, no, no way, no way.

C -

I know we've seen him at the book table with the book drag their mom or Dad over go, you gotta read this book. This is... you need it. And so it actually turned out to be an approved by middle schooler book. But some of my favorite parts, and you know, I think one of the reasons that we are so apprehensive about middle school age is that we find them outwardly so annoying.

S -

Unpredictable. Temperamental.

C -

A little bit, irritating. And yeah they were just I mean one day they're one way. I remember that with my twin boys. I would say that 7th grade was just the toughest year we'd ever had, and they're wonderful boys and they were courteous and they were raised, but they just turned into somebody I didn't know and they struggled with themselves as much as with me. So in these brief times that we have together this podcast and we're going to do the next one too, as kind of a continuation. We want to just share some insights and ideas, not only as parents and teachers, but also just to give you a little insight into what the kids themselves told us. Cause... so you've been doing this for what, 20-some years?

S -

Almost 30.

C -

And they still surprised you, didn't they? In some ways. Some of the things they said. Just the way they said it or the thing they brought up. And mostly they surprised me because they actually talked about it.

S -

And they didn't always say what we expected them to say. We thought it was going to be all about self-centeredness and it's all for my happiness and my pleasure. And we discovered big hearts and a lot of concern and it was it was fun for me because I would ask a simple question, like, how do you feel about your siblings? And off they would go and I was typing, taking dictation as fast as I could. And they would go on for 30 or 40 minutes. And of course, once one started telling a story that reminded them of another story and off we went.

C -

And of course, some parents are listening right now going, I can't even get him to talk to me in a sentence. How did you get him to talk to you for minutes and minutes? But we... just in case you're still wondering, listening to this, if you actually have a middle schooler yet, we do have kind of some telltale signs, if they've kind of entered puberty. Give us some ideas, Sue.

S -

Well, one of my favorite, and I think probably one of the first indicators, is it seems like their vocabulary just decreases. There's just a lack of communication. You ask a question, and if you can get a shrug, or a grunt, or even a look, that might be all you get.

C -

Right, and it's exasperating for the parent, especially the parent who likes to talk and likes to have somebody talk so they know what they're thinking. I think one of the parents in our focus groups, we had some parents of the middle schoolers, and I remember one man that raised his hand and said, I think I'm raising a narcissist.

S -

And what was the reaction of all the other parents in the room? They're going, oh, me too. That's a great way to describe it.

C -

And he said, I just...she...all she thinks about is herself. She's looking in the mirror. She's looking inward. She's not thinking about anybody else. She's not thoughtful like she used to be when she was younger. What's the deal?

S -

And we'll talk a little bit later about why that is, and then also how to make that work in your favor.

C -

Right. And one of the key things to remember is, we found that middle schoolers, they don't recognize the person in the mirror either. Because they have changed and they are the first ones to notice it and they don't have any idea what to do about it.

S -

Another thing is just how impulsive they are. I can't tell you how many times kids have said to me, I don't know what I was thinking. And really the truth is, they weren't. The part of the brain that says you know what would be fun? You know would be cool? Is overdeveloped, and the part that says, you know... might not be a good idea, is underdeveloped. And so when they've done something incredibly stupid like, jumping off the roof onto the trampoline, and you ask them what were you thinking? And they say I don't know. They're telling the truth. They probably weren't thinking at all.

C -

And their physiology is changing, right? Their hands and feet are growing. Don't you use the example of, it's like a puppy?

S -

Right, yeah, the feet grow first.

C -

Yeah, the hands... and they can how...how much can they grow overnight?

S -

They can grow, science has shown they can grow up to an inch, inch and a half overnight. So imagine getting up tomorrow and putting on oversized gloves and oversized shoes and trying to make your way around your world.

C -

Yeah, which explains tripping over your own feet. But you can also tell they're kinda entering that puberty stage because, even the child who always used to hug you and hold your hand, all of a sudden there are very limited displays of affection right? Especially in front of anybody and sometimes not any affection at all.

S -

And I do laugh because some parents see this in their kids. You know, kindergarten, first grade, but it's much more typical 5th or 6th grade. You reach for hug, and you say can I have a hug and they just look mortified? No, no, not here.

C -

All of a sudden, they're drawing away and you go. Whoa, what is this? Just yesterday you were kissing me goodnight. You don't even want to touch me now? You don't wanna look at me?

S -

Yeah, well you don't love me anymore?

C -

Yeah.

S -

And then of course there's the whole moodiness part and they can be raging over something as ridiculous as not being able to find a shoe. They can be in tears because you fix their favorite vegetable. It... they're just a rollercoaster of emotions.

C -

And for most kids, this is pretty normal isn't it? It's just a normal... hormones trying to somehow adjust coming in, flooding in sometimes, and going out places. And before you assume that it's some kind of mental disorder...

S -

Even though it might seem...

C -

Seems like it is. Just know. So if you're sitting there and you're listening to this and you're thinking, well, a lot of those sound really familiar. I think maybe I do have a middle schooler and just yesterday they were a child. We kind of put together, in the book, we put together sort of a contrast because one of the things we noticed right away is that we don't always realize the appearance that we...overnight, almost, when they become middle school, like they're ready for 5th grade or 6th-grade level, and they turn a certain age, we feel like all of a sudden they should do this. And the expectations that we have for them are very abrupt and sometimes very unrealistic. Now, I'll read... what we want the elementary kids to do, from birth to now, and then you tell me what suddenly changed for the middle schooler? For example, or the elementary... when you're just a kid, you're cheerful. You're playful, you're easygoing.

S -

In middle school, students tend to be moody, unexpressive. I remember the day our principal came in and announced a surprise skating party because the school had done something awesome. And my 8th graders just sat there and stared at her. And I said, guys she used to be a second grade teacher. She's not used to you. You have to show her how excited you are and then they smiled and clapped. But at the time they were all just kind of holding it in, waiting to see what the other ones were going to do

C -

Yeah. When you're a kid, you get up early in the morning, even on weekends. I remember being a little frustrated with my boys that wake up. Good grief no matter how late they stayed up, they'd wake up at 5:00 in the morning.

S -

And middle school students, they're just tired. We started our online learning these last few months at 9:30, which is a whole hour later than school normally started, and they still came in. Just tired. They just did not want to be up that early.

C -

And now the physicians told us, and tell us now, that a lot of that exhaustion is because of the growth.

S -

Right. There's a physical reason. You know, melatonin, the rise in melatonin is what makes you tired. And then the lowering of your melatonin is what makes you wake up. We're not sure why, but in teenagers, that rise of melatonin doesn't happen until much closer to midnight. And then of course the lowering doesn't happen until closer to eight, nine o'clock. And yet what do we do in school? The older you get, the earlier we ask you to start. But it's not laziness like parents often think it is. It could be very much physiological reason.

C -

And your body is very busy overnight, growing.

S -

Growing. Just like when they were infants, right? You could tell when they had growth spurts 'cause they would sleep so much.

C -

And you know, as a little kid your whole life is directed by adults.

S -

And then when you get to be an adult, you're expected to make your own decisions. But somewhere there has to be a transition. So kids don't suddenly wake up at 18 years old, and they're ready to handle all the tasks and all the chores that they have to do. But in middle school we start that process. We start expecting them to manage their time and manage their activities.

C -

Little by little. When you're a kid, discipline and correction, you get right away, and immediate, and you know right where you stand no matter what, but what happens in middle school?

S -

We expect them to be able to make better choices, make better decisions. Sometimes we assume that they know things that they don't, but we look at a 13-year-old and certainly expect her to be able to stop herself from doing things that maybe a 3-year-old couldn't do.

C -

In fact, I remember talking to one and saying as an example, I think one of my boys. What do you think you're supposed to do? And he said, how am I supposed to know that? We forget because we just don't expect them because they're taller and they're older. Now we asked...we expect them, unrealistically, to know what to do.

S -

I read a great quote once that said what we call common sense is usually based on wisdom and experience. Things that we have learned.

C -

And they're learning, but they're learning from us, which is kind of scary, isn't it? Cause they're watching how we react and figuring oh, that must be how adults do it. So I'll try to do it that way.

S -

And one of my favorite phrases to get their attention is, in the adult world. You know, in the adult world, we don't yell across the room like that if we're unhappy with someone.

C -

Because all of a sudden in the adult world seems like it would be a good thing to know.

S -

But it's not as far away as it used to be when they were little.

C -

Yeah, all of us are caught by surprise with that. When you're a little kid, you learn primarily through... you have like worksheets and objective tests and, you know, little quizzes and stuff. But when you get to be a middle school...homework and worksheets, they don't look the same, do they?

S -

No, there's a lot more analytic thinking. There are long term projects which require time management skills. Just a lot more of writing what you're thinking. And of course, first you have to be thinking about it analytically, which can be tough for some kids.

C -

And it doesn't happen automatically. I think that's what I missed, at first, with my voice. Cause I just kind of expected them to, I don't know how. Osmosis or something. And it takes a lot of effort on our part to help them step by step. Sometimes baby steps to learn how to do that.

S -

And there's a leap in abstract thought that happens between 12 and 14 and some kids get there sooner and some kids take a little longer, and that's a real challenge as a teacher. And if you're trying to teach something like math or science which requires inference or inquiry skills, that can be a real challenge to know where they are in that process.

C -

You know one of the favorite things about being a little kid is reading the bedtime stories, right? And the fairy tales, and you realize, oh, anything is possible. We can do anything. But all of a sudden reality kind of comes to roost doesn't it?

S -

And they realize, you know, maybe I'm never going to be a professional baseball player. Or maybe I'm not going to be a great writer. There are limits to what I can do. I'll never be as good as him over there, and I'll never be able to do what she does. And so, just a lot of comparison... comparing of themselves. And there's also some limiting which shouldn't be happening, and we need to watch for that and talk them out of that.

C -

And that kind of changes our role a little bit too, doesn't it, Sue? Because we become encouragers. We don't want them to necessarily give up on those dreams that seemed impossible. We just want to kind of figure out, by asking them, and maybe a few questions if they really want to do that. But I don't want to be a discourager to my children. I know that that that's so easy to do. To say, you are never going to be able to do that. That's...they're still wet cement.

S -

But you also have to have balance.

C -

Right.

S -

Because they are aware that you are the parent and you think they're wonderful and you might not understand their limitations. So we have to be willing to listen, but we'll talk more about that later.

C -

Right. You think I'm getting ahead of myself? Is that what you're saying? And you know when you're little kid, even at homeschooling, if you're like, especially in the primary grades, you don't feel necessarily a big pressure about getting really good grades, right? I mean you get... you like the accomplishments and the...

S -

And you want teachers' approval.

C -

Right? And you want to be praised and have rewards. But grades aren't as much of an issue.

S -

No. but in middle school often that is where honor roll starts to happen. Or you start thinking about grades counting towards high school and what you get to do in high school. Sometimes the pressure is so huge that kids will look for what I call shortcuts, which is my fancy name for cheating because it matters more that you get the A then that you actually learn anything from that lesson.

C -

Right, cause it would be embarrassing beyond belief. I remember and this is not middle school age, but I remember one of my favorite stories in the way they learn, a homeschool Mom got very creative when her six or seven-year-old son was...she was trying to teach him to read, but he didn't want her to teach him to read cause he felt like he should already know. He was embarrassed that he didn't already know it. And so she went out to the store and they chose a puppet. She let him choose a puppet. He chose molasses, the moose, and they came home and together they both taught Molasses the Moose how to read.

S -

But you extrapolate that out to middle school and there are many things that they won't want to do because they can't do ‘em. So I'm not going to try out for basketball. I'm not going to try out for choir. I don't want to join the chess team because I'm not good enough. But to come alongside them and say, hey we can work on these skills.

C -

Yeah. Cause sometimes it's the Molasses the Moose complex.

S -

Right.

C -

You just have a way to make him feel smarter. And when you're, of course when you're little you just trust everything that adults say for the most part because they are taking care of you and you're too young to take care of yourself.

S -

And one of the defining characteristics of middle school is learning to challenge... starting not learning, starting to challenge authority. To say, you know, I mean, they don't come out and say you're not the boss of me, but that is part of the way they're thinking. And so sometimes I can't do what you told me to do because you told me to do it. If I know it needs to be done and I do it on my own, this could happen...this happens by itself. But I remember in our house, my husband, one time, saying to a teenage boy, are you going to get those dishes done? And his response is, well I can't now. Because dad had told him to do it. Yeah, I would have done it if I had been allowed to think of it myself.

C -

Right. And when you're younger, especially when you're young, you just accept your parent's worldview. This is the world, and this is the way it is. And I am kind of cloistered and I'm in this bubble with my parents. But something happens. I mean almost immediately when the bubble pops, and I realize, this isn't my parents' world anymore.

S -

And other people are thinking different things and that's when they start to ask themselves, who gets to make the laws and why do we go to this church? And why do we think that this is right? And, you know, especially with kids involved in social media, there are a lot of different opinions, a lot of different viewpoints out there. And parents really need to be tuned in to what they're reading and what they're hearing and ask questions, find out what they're thinking.

C -

Yeah, and we had an interesting... parents are a little worried about kids and their spiritual life. If they've grown up in the church and we had one middle schooler, more than one, actually, tell us that they were afraid to talk to their parents about their questions about God because they think I don't believe in Him anymore and they'll think I'm rejecting everything. And it is kind of a knee jerk reaction. As a parent, I can't...why would you ask me a question like that? How you've grown up in this world, and why were you...why are you doubting it now?

S -

And young teens, especially, they're out looking for someone who will listen to their questions, point them to where to find the answers, and accept their fear. Be OK with it.

C -

Yeah. Let me put you on the spot for a second, cause I didn't warn you about this, but if you had to choose three things that are your absolute favorite things about that middle school age, can you think of three things that would come to mind?

S -

Oh, right off the top of my head. It's their capability for laughter. Many times in the classroom, something will be said and it's funny and we go off on tangents and we are just laughing our heads off. And I look at my class and I say ha-ha they pay me to do this. People think teaching middle school is hard and I'm having a really good time with them. The second would be, probably, the way they're asking questions And they're wanting to know the why and just a simple question brought up by a student first thing in the morning, something from world events. Something from... they heard... overheard parents talking about, can lead to amazing discussions. And they really want to know, but they also want to be able to share what they've heard. And the third thing, I think, is their desire to improve. They want so much to be better, to improve what they can do, to be nicer people. They are often embarrassed by their emotional outbursts or by the mean things they said to their parents last night...

C -

And now they're...I know there are some parents listing going, I wish my...

S -

Not my kid.

C -

I wish they acted like that. I wish they felt like this. And that's what was revealing to me, was, I was kind of thinking that too until you really get inside the heads and hearts of those middle schoolers and they talk to you.

S -

The things that I learned from kids that parents do that shut down communication. Because I would hear from parents, my kids don't tell me anything. And then in the classroom, I would hear from kids, my parents never listen to me. So what I learned is there's a desire on both parts for more communication, and a lot of times it's actually parents were stepping in it and making mistakes without realizing it.

C -

And I also like it because when... sometimes like, you can't help yourself, at least silently, when a parent asks you a question, and, well this is what I did, and you're going no, no, no, no, no, please no, no, no don't do that. So it's kind of the no no list. We just, we don't mean to do it. We don't mean to trigger anything or annoy them. So let's talk about just a few as we wrap this, toward the end, one of my most revealing ones was interrupting and you gave a really good example of middle school kids, and what they complained about, their parents interrupting them.

S -

Well, the complaint I hear every year is my parents want to finish my story. I start telling my mom what happened, and she just jumps in and says, and then you did this. And that, that wasn't what happened at all. I just want to be able to get to the end of it. Or I'll be right in the middle of talking about something that happened at school, and my dad will come in and say, hey, did you mow the lawn yet? And so I know he's not listening.

C -

Yeah. And that's... you know, we hate it when our kids do that to us. But we just don't always realize that it works both ways.

S -

We don't allow our kids to do it to us, right? And that is one of their big beefs. How come... how come I can't interrupt them, but they can interrupt me?

C -

Another one on the no-no list is to downplay their feelings. We say, right in the beginning of the book, there are three things that every middle schooler really wants. They want to be listened to.

S -

They want to be taken seriously.

C -

And they want to be understood.

S -

They want to be understood.

C -

And, it's hard to take, sometimes, an annoying 10 year old seriously. When you just want her to just go to bed or just stop talking or just do something. And I had not realized before spending all this time with them, it really... they really do take it to heart. It's not just a small thing.

S -

No. I've had 7th graders who are just extremely frustrated and raging because somebody took the chair that they wanted. Because in my class you can come in and choose your chair in the morning. And they're just, they're just angry about it. Then for me to say oh, come on, it's just a chair. It's not a big deal.

C -

Right. Or sometimes...oh, for heaven's sake this is so small. Wait till you get to be my age and you have to pay a mortgage payment. Well, they don't even think in that realm, and so we just kind of, kind of shrug it off without realizing, to them, this is the biggest thing in their life at the moment.

S -

And if I'm the middle schooler and you're telling me my problems aren't as big as yours, what have I really heard? You don't care.

C -

What about yelling? Why is that a no-no?

S -

And that...you have to define yelling with the middle schooler. When I have a student come back from our class and say, wow, the art teacher yelled at me. I have to say no. No, wait a minute, let's stop. Did the art teacher actually, like, raise his voice and shout at you? No, no, no. He just went off on me. And that is what they call it. They call it going off. And that can be something as simple as, you need to go back and push in that chair. Well, it to a middle schooler, sometimes that is being yelled at when to an adult it was a simple request.

C -

Plus, if you're a really highly auditory child, which we've talked about in the past, an auditory child, your tone of voice makes a huge difference. And, even if it's just a little sarcastic, it comes across as yelling. You yelled at me yesterday. I absolutely did not. I did not once raise my voice.

S -

Yeah, it could sound like this, ‘Pick that up right now!’ And it's the intensity. It's the anger.

C -

Or you can say, ‘I cannot believe you did that’ and he hears it or she hears it as, oh that's yelling at me.

S -

That's an angry parent.

C -

Yeah, OK, we have time for maybe two more quick ones. What do you think? You want to pick a favorite?

S -

Oh, I think using always and never is huge. And you know what's funny is, when we share these at conferences with parents, often we have spouses looking at each other and say, hey, this these are my triggers too. And just like in a marriage you don't say, you always do this or you never do this. With kids, I remember my dad. still... I was probably 14 years old, so that was like 100 years ago, saying you never say you're sorry. You never apologize. And I knew I had. And it just told me that he wasn't listening. So...

C -

Yeah, that's pretty ageless.

S -

Yeah, I think so. And... or saying, you know, you never pick up your glasses. You never close the door after you. You always argue back, and nobody always or never does anything.

C -

Right Now, let's end on this one, and then in our next podcast, we're going to give a few more practical tips and some really interesting insights. We'll even maybe read a couple quotes and examples from the kids themselves because it's a lot of fun, but, let's spend just a little bit of time on this one because solving their problems is a no-no. Why would that be? You're the parent. Why shouldn't they solve the... why shouldn't you solve the problems?

S -

And when they were seven or eight, that's what they wanted you to do. They brought a broken toy, or they brought something and they wanted you to fix it. But as they start to become adults, as they begin that process, they start to consider their own abilities and their own self-worth and they don't, they don't bring you their problems. And what they want is validation. What they want is empathy, which we'll get...we'll talk more about that next time. They don't want you to jump in and say, well, you should, or just do this, because if you solve my problem for me, that implies that I'm not capable of doing it myself.

C -

And again, we don't like it when others do that. We don't like to hang around friends who, every time you start talking about something that bugs you, they say, well you know what you should do? Just get... do this and do this and do that and you're going, man, I just... I don't want to talk to you about anything because I just wanted to kind of vent a little. I just wanted to tell you what was bugging me and instead, you're jumping right in.

S -

And so what am I thinking? I'm not gonna share anything with you again.

C -

That's right, because it'll never end and you're just going to give me all this advice that I didn't ask for. Well, the bottom line is this. If you've got a middle schooler or two or three, they can be the most annoying and amazing people in your life.

S -

And don't be surprised when it happens overnight or even when it happens as young as fourth or fifth grade, but also don't immediately start thinking negative thoughts or freaking out, going, now what am I going to do? All the good years are over. Because they're not. Middle school really is a fun, enjoyable, hilarious, maddening time of growth and maturity and you know, we always say just hang on, hang on for the ride.

C -

But don't say that in front of him. We always remind the parents, try never to say in front of them, oh, if we can just get through this year. Because then they're feeling like, oh my goodness, I'm such a pain and I knew I wasn't any good at it. Try the best you can to share that with another adult, but to not, in front of your middle schooler, let them know how frustrated you really are.

S -

And especially during the middle school years, when you've got kids running hot and cold with affection or moods or willingness to be cooperative. You just need to remind yourself that especially with middle schoolers, it's never just another day.

C -

Amen.




Wendy -

Thank you for joining us this week on the Homeschool Solutions Show. As always, you can find show notes and links to all the resources mentioned at homeschooling.Mom.

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