452 | When to Say Nothing At All (Sean Allen)
Show Notes:
This is the last episode in a 3 episode series. What do you say to your child when a simple "yes" or "no" just don't seem to meet the demands of the hour? The answer? Nothing at all. For most parents, though, saying nothing is simply not an option. They're afraid it might communicate weakness or concede too much ground to their children. But here's the thing - clear answers regarding how to deal with parenting problems are hard to come by. We often need a bit of time before we can more accurately assess what's going on. In such moments, a premature reward or correction might do more harm than good. Better to say nothing at all, take a step back and get a firm grip on what you're really dealing with before you give that "yes" or "no".
About Sean
Sean Allen is the founder of The Well Ordered Homeschool, husband to his beautiful bride Caroline and a proud father of eight. He has a bachelor of fine arts in graphic design and is passionate about creating materials to assist parents in the incredibly challenging, yet surpassingly beautiful, work of schooling and training their children at home.
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Show Transcript:
Sean Allen Hello. Welcome to the Homeschool Solutions Show. My name is Sean Allen and I am one of the many hosts here on the podcast. Since you're listening to this, I'm guessing you already know that homeschooling is both incredibly challenging and incredibly beautiful. Every week we're here doing a little guidance, some helpful counsel, and a whole lot of encouragement your way as you navigate this busy, yet blessed journey of educating your children at home. Now, even though the show is called Homeschool Solutions, it should come as no surprise to you that we do not have the answer to every homeschool related question. But if you come away with nothing else, our hope is that today's episode will point you to Jesus Christ and that you will seek His counsel as you train your children in the way they should go.
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Hello, hello and welcome again to the podcast. Thank you for joining us today. I'm sure that you are busy. There are so many things that you could be doing right now. You probably are doing them while you're listening to this, which is a great thing, but so many other things that you could be listening to. But our sincere desire is on this podcast that we would offer you things that are truly valuable to you and that are useful in your day to day homeschooling experience. We don't want to mislead you, we don't want to confuse you, we don't want to give you bad information. We want to be a valuable voice in your life. And so hopefully you can take something from this episode that is encouraging or uplifting to you or is food for thought at least. Maybe it sparks some other ideas or sends you on a course that leads you to whatever it is that you're searching for right now or that you need in your life. So, goodness, we hope that we're a blessing to you and we thank you for giving us an opportunity to perhaps be that in your life.
So today, this is the last of a three part series that I began. The first session episode was When to Say "Yes". The second episode was When to Say "No" and this episode is entitled When to Say Nothing at All and that is also very important. There are times when you just should not say anything, and we're going to get into that today. So just a brief summary of the first episode When to Say "Yes", that was really for right-side leading parents or right-leaning parents, I guess you'd say. I like to call them right-side parents because they tend to be the kinds of parents who place a premium or obedience and place a premium on the recognition of authority in their relationship to their child. Or they want their child to recognize them as representing that. And they have a hard time saying "yes". They say "no" a lot, but they don't often say "yes". And again, no, yes, those are general terms. They're kind of all encompassing.
When we're talking about the response "yes," we're encompassing such things as, "yes, we can go on a bike ride" or "thank you very much for doing what I ask you to do there" or "that was an excellent response, wonderful job." "Yes, I approve," "yes, I'm proud of you," "yes, I'm pleased," "yes, I love you." Those kinds of things. There are many different ways to manifest that very singular word. And right-side parents have a hard time manifesting it. They think that their job is to kind of follow their children around and catch them in the act of disobedience or naughtiness and, "Ah ha, I caught you. And so now you're going to be punished. And if I punish you enough, then eventually you'll give up and, you know, you'll come around to my way of seeing things." That's the idea at least.
So they're very good at saying "no," not very good at saying "yes." They're afraid of saying "yes" actually. They're afraid that "yes" is a term of pride, that it's almost like a drug in the life of their child like they'll come to the place where they can't do anything good unless there's that drug, you know, dripping at the end of it. That little drip, drip, drip. And if they don't have that, then they just won't comply. And so the idea is that we just do things that are right because they're right. The problem with that is, is that actually there's a journey that each one of us has to go on until we climb to the place where we are actually doing things because they're right and that we don't need a reward, we don't need a punishment. We just do these things because it's like ingrained in us or it's flowing through our bloodstream now. There's a process to that.
There are certain areas in our lives where I think we're uniquely fitted to being strong in those regards. Like, for instance, maybe we're just naturally honest, maybe we're naturally hardworking, maybe we're naturally kind, but almost certainly all of us have deficiencies in other areas. And so where one is strong, another is weak and vice versa. And so in those areas, particularly where we are weak, it takes time. You've got to grow to the place where you're doing the opposite because it's right and not because there's any kind of a reward attached to it. It's okay for your children to obey in the hope of a reward initially. It's okay. And a lot of us operate in that sphere, by the way, that level. I could talk a lot about that.
Sometimes people obey just because there's a fear of punishment, not so much about the reward. They're scared to death and that's the domain of right-side parents right there, is that you may not reward your children for obedience, but you will certainly punish them for disobedience and you're discouraging future acts of disobedience. And you're hoping that that will be the thing that lodges in their minds and causes them to turn the other way. Well, really, all that you've done is you've discouraged disobedience, but you've not encouraged the opposite. So not being disobedient doesn't make you obedient, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Have you ever thought about that? The absence of disobedience in the life of your child does not necessarily mean that they're obedient children. It doesn't. It just means that there's an absence of disobedience. And it certainly doesn't mean that true obedience has taken root in their hearts, that they have acquired the character attributes that are necessary for the maintenance of that obedience. And in order to do that, there has to be a hope of reward and there has to be a very skillful employment of the hope of reward. And gradually over time, that is taken away and your children will get to the place... and by the way, you have to do this hand-in-hand with the God of heaven because he's the only one that knows how to properly facilitate this process. You have to do it hand in hand with him, and he will ultimately bring them to the place where they're doing these things because they're right. And that is the highest level of obedience right there, folks. And you don't get to that level just because you've turned 18 or 21 or whatever. I'm still working on getting there in my life in various areas because I'm just not natural at these things. I struggle in certain areas and I'm trying to come up higher.
So your children, there's a time for you to say "yes" to them. Again, right-side parents struggle with this. There's a time for you to say "no," that was the second episode. Left-side parents struggle with this. They do not like saying "no." They're scared to death of saying "no" because they're afraid it's going to damage relationship or it's going to discourage their children. There's going to be a shortage of trust that exists between them and their child and they want their child to feel safe and provided for and all of these kinds of things. And that's all very noble. That's all very well intentioned, but your children actually gravitate towards authority in their lives. They might give you every showing to the opposite effect, but they actually do want a figure of authority in their life. It makes them feel safe, it makes them feel secure, it helps them to properly orient themselves in the world. It also gives them a way by which they're able to discern the difference between good and evil. Right? Because if you're just letting them get away with things, it's confusing to them. And seen as how they're under lock and key in your home for a significant portion of their life and then they eventually are let out little by little, and they go out into the big world and their experience up until that time has been, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, accommodation, accommodation, accommodation, and then they get into the big bad world and somebody smacks them upside the head and tells them, "No," they're not well adjusted for that. They don't know how to handle that or to process that. And so it's our job also to tell them no.
And left-side parents have a real problem with this. Usually those are the children that you see at the playground, they're running around uncontrollably foolish, oftentimes uncontrollably cruel. They butt in line, they push people aside, they can be very mean-spirited. They can resort to physical violence, you know, at times. You know, they hit somebody or kick somebody or scratch somebody or pull their hair or something like that, and these children, you know, they're generally the children that you see that you think to yourself, that child is out of control and they're out of control because do not have a proper authority figure in their life. And they need that. They've been told "yes" way too much and "no" not enough. The children that you see who are sullen, who are reserved, who just seem like there's a cloud hanging over them at all times, they don't smile much, they don't look up, they don't respect their elders, they just look generally unhappy and disagreeable, those are right side children because they have been told "no" a lot. They have been crossed a lot and their life is generally disagreeable. And so there's got to be a balance, a road up the middle, between these two extremes. They are ditches, really. You can fall into that right-side ditch, left-side ditch. There's a road to cut up the middle and no, the road is not "say nothing at all". That is not the balance that we're talking about.
When it's time to say nothing at all is actually like a... What would I say? What would I compare this to? If we're likening the right-side and the left-side to a ditch and the proper way forward is the middle of the road approach or a balanced approach up the middle of the road, how would you characterize saying nothing at all? It's a rest stop. That's what I would say. It's a... Not a detour, no. It's a spot along the side of the road that you see when you're traveling from state to state and it's that place where you just stop and they have a little snack convenience area. They've got the restrooms and they've got the picnic tables and you stop and you rest and you stretch and you stop. You're not going backwards, you're not going forwards, you're just stopping and you're resting. And really what you're doing in this instance is you're observing.
So there are going to be times... Well, let me be very clear. There are going to be many times. This is going to happen a lot. Many of you already know this. Maybe you don't know this quite yet, some of you. But times in which your child has done something and you're trying to size up what has taken place and you're going to say to yourself, what just happened and what do I do about it? And the answers that come back are not sufficient. So you say to yourself, I'm not exactly sure what happened, you know, or why they did what they did, and therefore I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. To act prematurely or to act too quickly in this matter, I'm afraid to do that because, again, I might bungle it. I mess this up. I don't want to make it any worse than what it already is. And so I'm not saying that you not do anything, you just pretend as if nothing happened, but I am suggesting that you be very, very careful about how you proceed with what you're looking at. Okay?
I think traditionally or generally speaking, most people like to assume that the work that Satan is engaged in, in the life of your home is to spread as many weed seeds as possible in your lives and in the life of your children in particular. He wants as many weeds to spring up in their life as possible. I think that's a true statement. Of how he goes about that, though, is varied and it's not exactly the same every single time. If he can't spread seed in your child's garden one way, he's going to try to find another way. He's going to come at it from multiple angles and he's going to try and try and try until he finally gets in there. Now we have to be vigilant, we have to be watchful, we have to be in the garden as much as possible. And we have to till it and we have to weed it and we have to fertilize it. We have to water it. We have to be very watchful, have to be engaged. And so we think, well, he's just trying to get our children through TV, he's trying to get at our children through the Internet, he's trying to get our children through bad influences and on and on and on it goes.
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Here's another way that he's trying to get at your children — by you misjudging their intent, the intent of their heart and the reasons behind why they do the things that they do. That's another way. So he'll play the short game, he'll play the long game and the long game is eroding the trust that exists between you and them. Bringing them to the place where they're 13, 14, 15, 16, where they say to themselves, I don't know who to turn to here, but I'm certainly not going to turn to my mom or my dad. That's the long game. If he can drive a wedge between the two of you and just keep driving it until there's a great distance created, or split you in half so to speak, he'll play that game. And he'll do that through our laziness. And so when our four year old says or does something that we're like, that's inappropriate, it's not right, it's not in accordance with the standards that we keep in our home, and you just cloud up and rain on them. You know, like we're going to pluck this seed out of the ground or this weed that sprouted up immediately.
Well, how do you go about doing that? Okay? First of all, what kind of a weed are we talking about? How advanced is this weed? How dangerous is this weed? How long has it been growing? Is it about to go to seed? How invasive or destructive of a species are we talking about here? All of these are questions that you should ask yourself with your children, no matter the age. Okay? And let me say this — the younger your children are, the more tender their plants are or their garden. Their garden at younger ages is such a delicate thing, so very delicate. And so it's safe to say that when you see an anomaly in your child's life and they're two, three, four, five years old, that weed that that represents is very tender. Is it dangerous? Yes, potentially. Potentially. But it might also be a red herring. It might also be a diversion.
And what Satan really wants is not so much... I think he would probably take it both ways, to be quite honest with you. If you're a left-side parent and a little weed sprouts up in your child's garden, if you're minded to be a left-sided parent and you're just like, oh, well, isn't that cute? Have you seen this before? I know that I have. You've seen a child act out — be cruel, be foolish, be noisy, be disrespectful or whatever — and you think to yourself, that needs to be addressed. Not your child, someone else's child. And you look at the parent and you're waiting for them to do something and they just like smile or they might even look at you and just kind of like snicker like, oh my goodness, isn't that crazy? You know, the disobedience is like endearing to them somehow. And you're like, oh my goodness, that weed is going to keep growing until you do something about it.
Okay, so that's the left-sided perspective. If you're left-sided, he recognizes that weakness and he wants to ensure that he spreads as many seeds as possible. He knows you're going to let them grow and eventually the garden's going to become overrun and it's going to be lost. Okay, that's one way. If you're a right-sided parent, however, he's going to sow the seeds for an opposite... he's going to play the long game, so to speak. Because he knows that you're going to run around and you're going to try to pluck up every little seed. Every little weed that crops up in their garden, you're going to be right there — pluck, pluck, pluck. You're just going to follow him around, pluck him up. And what does that look like? Again, that's the "no" master. That's the, "No, no, no. Stop it, Stop it, Stop it. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that."
And you're very keen to pick up on... You have very keen eyes. Any time you see a little sprout, you're like, "We have to deal with this now." The problem is that he knows that right-side parents, when they deal with those issues, they're overbearing. They're too strict, too stringent, too harsh in the way in which they address those issues. So whereas this little situation could probably be dealt with, if you would just reach your hand down into the soil and pluck the little plant up very carefully so as not to damage all of the good that is in there guarded... By the way, at that point in time of their lives when they're very young, there is so much beauty and so much good. It's just flourishing in their lives because they're innocent and they're pure. Do I believe that they're capable of doing things that are wrong in committing sinful acts? Yes. Yes, I do. But in the eyes of God, I believe that they're counted as innocent.
And we could talk about that. We could argue that. But let me say something that I think that we could probably all agree on is that there are definitely innocent and pure qualities in every one of our little ones. Purity and holiness and godliness, goodliness, praiseworthiness, such beautiful things that are so staggering to behold and that put us to shame when it comes to their simplicity and their purity. Every one of our children possess those things. There's a reason why the Lord Jesus called little children to his side and said, "Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven." When the apostles wanted to turned them away and he said, "No, do not turn them away," and he gave them a blessing. They said, "Jesus is too busy. He's too busy to deal with this right now." And they asked him, you know, "Who is first in the kingdom of heaven?" And he said, "Anyone among you, if you were to become such as one of these little children and humble yourselves like unto one of these little children." See, this is the example that he set before us.
So here in is the dilemma. When you have these little ones, such as we have, and we have these little weeds cropping up in their lives — and yes, they need to be dealt with. We don't want to say "yes" to weeds — but how do you say "no" to them? You say it very carefully so as not to spoil the goodness that is there. Because right alongside those weeds oftentimes and I would say... Again, when they're younger when you look on their garden, it is predominantly marked by goodness. That when the Lord looks on it, he sees that it is very good. And yes, there are little things here and there that are starting to be sown into their lives and sometimes were responsible for that, sometimes the world is responsible for that. And you know, we could spread the blame around but nevertheless, there they are. But let us be very, very careful when we're going to uproot those weeds that we do not damage the tender plants that are right alongside it.
And so Satan will play that short game. Well, really it's short and long both ways. He'll use the goodness I think that exists in the tactics and the philosophies behind left-side parenting against themselves. So he knows that you're loving and you're caring and you'd do anything for your children (left-side parents) and you just want to lift them up and he knows that. He knows that you just can't bring yourself to cross them. And so he'll sow seeds because he knows that they'll grow and that your methods at attempting to address those seeds are either nonexistent or they are so anemic that the seeds go to flourish over time and the child is lost.
Conversely, with the right-side parents, again, he's going to use the goodness, the good intentions, the goodly desires that exist in the heart of the right-sided parent against themselves because they want their children to be obedient. They want them to be God-fearing. They want them to lead happy and serviceable lives to the men and women around them. But he's going to use that against them because he knows that when he plants seeds and you go in there to deal with it, you're going to use a giant shovel or something. Or you're going to use a tiller to go in there and you're going to till up that ground. And you're going to take out some weeds, but you're going to take out a lot of tender plants as well. And so the good that could be sprouting up in the life of your child has also been spoiled. And also that process is so painful and damaging that your child won't forget that. Oftentimes they can't recover from that. And so you were trying to build trust, but you've lost trust both ways. We have to be very careful.
Those are the moments in which, you know, when you see that sprouting up and you're wondering like, what do I do about this? That's the time when you should perhaps say nothing at all and you should observe and you just stand back and you should wait and see. And if you know, do what you feel is best. Sometimes we think we know and we don't. Young parents are particularly susceptible to this. They think, I've read the books, I've talked to other parents, I've got this child, no one loves them as much as I do, which is true. So does that make you an expert in their life? Yes, it does. Does that make you an expert parent? No, it does not. And so that's what I find oftentimes with younger parents is that they think having a child qualifies them for the work and it's not true. It qualifies them in one sense because it makes them dedicated and devoted servants of their children, as well they should be. And no one could equal that. No one could measure up to the quality of that love. Nevertheless, that does not mean that you're an expert parent. Okay?
So there are things that you have to learn about yourself. There's things that you have to learn about your child. And you're continually... I like to call it this process of the three L's of good parenting — it's loving, lifting and learning. So you have to go through that cyclical process hundreds of thousands of times probably throughout the course of your parenting experience. So the love is taken care of: you know you love them. You had that from day one when you carried them in your womb, when they were born, after they were born. You were sold, right? The love was there. And so is that all? Is all done at that point? No. You've got so much more to do and so much more room to grow. So you take that love that you have for them and you're trying to allow it to inform the way that you lift them. That's the second L: you love them and then you lift them.
What do we mean by lifting them? Well, you're trying to do the things for them that they can't do for themselves, and that involves everything from when they're, you know, when they're little toddlers and they can't get up in the car and, you know, you put your hand under their little tush and you push them up in the car, right? That's lifting them. That's doing something that they were unable to do on their own. And you're trying to help them, right? You're trying to bless them. And that's just a little example of blessing them. Or, you know, they're with a sibling or they're with a friend and they've got a toy that they both want to play with and they're being selfish and so they've never had this experience before. You've seen it for the first time. So you come alongside them and you're trying to lift them because in that moment, they're having a very difficult time at being selfless and they don't know what that's like. They've never really experienced that before. And so you're trying to instruct them.
Now, a left-side parent might look at that and be like, isn't that cute? You know, look at them tussling over that little toy. A right-side parent would say, "There's no way, no how that my child's going to behave that way." And so they go out and, you know, smack them around a little bit, so to speak, and be overly harsh and, you know, put the tiller to the garden. Okay? So you've got to be very careful with that. But when you when you look at that, when you observe that in your child and you're trying to deal with that, the left-side parent who's leaving it alone because they think that's what is in their child's best interest, and the right-side parent who is, you know, putting the tiller to the garden, so to speak, both of them believe in their heart of hearts that they're lifting their child. They're doing that because they think that's what's best for their child in most instances.
Okay, that's the lifting, right? If I correct my child for being selfish and not sharing with this other child, that's lifting them. Or if I'm letting them get away with it because I think I don't want to be too... Whatever. I'm lifting them. I think that's what's in their best interest. Then you get a little further down the road. It could be the next day, it could be the next week, it could be the next five years. And you're looking at that and you're thinking, you know what, I did that wrong. I should have told them "no" or I should have told them "yes" or I should have told them no in a way that was less harsh. And on and on it goes that the Lord has opened your eyes to see where in your lifting was lacking. And that's the learning. That's the third L, you see? And you learned from that. And you know what that does? It refines your love. It refines your love. It perfects your love. Not all love is created equal. The love that you have for your child from day one is very, very powerful but it's not perfected. It's not refined, and it needs refinement. It is refined through this process.
So then we circle back around to the love and the next time that your child exhibits a selfish tendency in a given situation, you step back a little bit. And maybe you wait this time. Maybe you're not so quick to act or not so confident in your assessment of what's going on. You're like, I'm going to do this differently this time because I saw the results of it. I saw the negative effects of my lifting the last time. And so you're going to tweak a few things and adjust them, and now you're lifting differently. Right? And then you assess that and how did that turn out? You say, well, that actually turned out quite well. Or you're like well, actually, it was better, but it wasn't quite as good as I'd like for it to be. Well, you're still learning, aren't you? You're loving, you're lifting, you're learning. You're loving, you're lifting, you're learning at any given moment. That's the sign of a good parent. Okay?
And parents who say nothing at all, you know, we have to be careful with that, too. I've had this experience before where my child has done or said something, and usually it's grandparents, you know? And they come to you and they say, you know, "One of your children did this or they said this or they're struggling with this," or whatever. And maybe you're not so quick to judge it. Maybe you feel like, you know what... Not that you're going to let it slide, but you know what's going on. You know why they're doing that particular thing. And the grandparent says, you know, "I think they need this. You know, you better do something about it." And that puts you in a tough spot because you're thinking, well, you know, no, it's not time for that just yet. You know, you've been down the road. You've been through this love, lift, learn process many, many, many, many times. And so you have judged differently. And they look at you and they can tell that you're maybe not quite on board with the solution that they're espousing, that they're putting out there. And so then they think you're soft. You know, you're one of those softies. You're one of those left-side parents or you're just going to let them get away with it.
Or maybe friends are like this, too. And that's hard because it's almost impossible for you to convey to them the complexities of what's going on here. See, what you've done is you've discovered that it's time to say nothing at all. It's time to say nothing at all when you're not quite sure what's going on. That's going to happen a lot when they're younger, it's going to happen when they're in their middle age and when they're teenagers. It's going to happen all throughout your child's experience when they're under your roof. And I'm not suggesting this as the final solution, so to speak, as in there are times when you just don't say anything at all and you just let it rest. There might be times like that, too. I don't want to get too in-depth here, but maybe there are times where, like, your relationship with your child is just so raw and you've gone round and round about a particular situation and it would be best for you just to keep your mouth shut, not to make anything worse. What I'm really suggesting is, is that those times when you say nothing at all is when you're at a loss and you don't feel as if you have enough information and you certainly don't believe that you have a good handle on how to address it. You need to step back, you need to get on your knees and you need to ask the Lord for wisdom so that as soon as is practicable or necessary, that you will have something to say.
So just because your child acts out and you decide, well, it might be one of those times to say nothing at all. No, that's not what we're suggesting here. It's time for you to get a better handle on exactly what the situation is and go to your Heavenly Father and ask him what his opinion of the matter would be, because he knows exactly what's going on and he knows exactly how you should address it. And then as soon as you feel as if you've got that answer or you feel more confident in how to respond, that's the time. Now it's time to say "yes." Now it's time to say "no." And to be that authoritative advocate in the life of your child because, again, they need both of those things. They need authority. They need advocacy. They need the life of Jesus Christ in their life because he is that perfect, authoritative advocate. And you can be like him. You could be like unto him in their life and present that kind of a figure of their life. And hopefully you and I, we will, because nobody is more particularly suited to be that precise figure of their life.
So I feel as if I've gone on long enough about this. I hope that I've said something that is at least giving you food for thought. It's very, very difficult. You know, I can't fit these to all the particular situations that we have out there. Your family is unique, you are unique, your children are unique. I'm just hoping that you can adapt these episodes or these words of counsel to your situation and hopefully it's useful in some way. You can metabolize it and process it and apply it to your home and I hope that it's helpful in some small way. So thank you again for your time and thank you for listening. As always we're very grateful for that and wish you a very good day and look forward to talking to you again soon. So bye for now.
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