465 | Self-Care For The Homeschool Mom (Jessica Smartt)
Show Notes:
In this personal and insightful episode Jessica shares what she's learned about how to make homeschooling sustainable for the mom, including specific self-care ideas and tips for moms in all stages.
About Jessica
Jessica is a wife, homeschool mom of three, author, and blogger. She lives in sunny North Carolina on a big family farm with chickens, goats, cousins, and lots of mud.
Resources
Jessica's Weekly Review Favorite Things
The Tuttle Twins: American History
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Homeschooling.mom | Instagram | Website
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Show Transcript:
Hey, everybody! Welcome to The Homeschool Solutions Show. My name is Jessica Smartt and I'm one of the many hosts here on the podcast. I'm also the author of Memory Making Mom and Let Them Be Kids, and the creator and founder of Homeschool Bootcamp. Each week we bring in encouraging conversation from this busy and blessed journey of educating our children at home. While the title is Homeschool Solutions, of course, we don't pretend to have the answer to every question. It's our hope that this podcast will point you to Jesus Christ, that you'll seek his counsel as you train your kids in the way they should go.
Hi, everybody. This is Jessica Smartt, and I am so glad to be with you today. I'm going to be talking about the subject of self care, particularly godly self care, for homeschool moms. As I'm recording this, it is the beginning of February and I feel like this subject is really on my heart and on my head and I think I'm probably not alone. We enjoyed a wonderful Christmas and now it's sort of a crushing-down reality upon us that we aren't anywhere near the summer. It's not even going to snow here, probably. Never does. It's just awful. I'm in North Carolina. We've gotten a couple teases, but nothing substantial. And so we're just sort of in that dull pace of having to plod forward faithfully and there's not anything close in sight. So it brings up to mind the subject of self care and how you sustain the pace that's needed to homeschool. So I'm going to talk about that today.
I do want to say that I'm super proud. I've been working on my newsletter and I think it's been a really great win for my readers. I send out an email every other week with just some things that are on my "loving now" list. So it's just favorites from all areas of life. Recipes, shows, books, kid books, random tips, apps, you know, natural makeup finds, just all sorts of things. And it's been, like I said, a big hit, I think, for my readers. So if you want to sign up for that, I'm going to put the link in the show notes and you just need to enter your name and your email address and you'll start getting them. And especially if you're interested in this subject, I think you'll really like it because it is just the things that kind of give me life in my everyday journey as a homeschool mom.
So I wanted to say that and then, of course, I need to tell you about my two books, Let Them Be Kids and Memory Making Mom. Definitely pick those up if you haven't. They just continue to be sold and loved and shared and it just makes me so happy. That was my prayer all along. They also make great gifts. Okay, so let's talk about self care. So I think, first of all, I wanted to define what I mean by that because I actually got a book when I was feeling really this way another year about self care and it was so terrible that I wanted to return it. And I think I did try to return it and then the window expired. And so I've been stuck with it. It's not as terrible as I thought, but it was just like a very secular take at self care and was really dissatisfying to me. It was just not at all what I was trying to get out of it.
And so my point is it's really helpful to define what we're trying to say when we mean self care. Okay, and I've been thinking about this a lot. So I have a good definition: I think that godly self care, healthy self care, is something that helps you do your job well, is important point number one and then point number two, but not at the sacrifice of the well-being of others. So there's a lot in there, and then we're going to unpack it for a sec. So godly self care helps you do your job well, but not at the sacrifice of others. So here's what I mean by that, okay? Godly self care is going to help you do your work better as a wife and a mom. And I think we all know what I mean, because there are times that you can just be so fried and burnt out, and then leave for whatever, you know, looks like that breastfully to you. And you come back and you're like, oh, I can do this better. I'm so glad that I left.
And so what I'm trying to get here is... What we're trying to do, the goal is to help you do your work that God has called you to do well. It's not necessarily to feel the most amazing all of the time, and to just live this pleasure-filled, optimal adventure-joy life. That's not what God has called us to do. Self care is what fills us up to then go do the work that God has called us to do, which is primarily loving our husbands and loving our kids, and sometimes homeschooling them. So, anything that helps you do that is good, right? Except, the point number two, at the expense of others. Now, sometimes there is going to be a cost, like when we went out to dinner for the first time and I had a newborn. She had to have a bottle, and she didn't really want to have the bottle so that was a sacrifice, and that cost something for her. But she was fine. That was a small little blip, and truly, she was doing fine.
I think what I'm trying to get at here is godly self care isn't like, okay, I'm gonna just do all these things that fill me up, and meanwhile, one of the members of my family is really kind of suffering. Because I think we could all picture what it would look like if one member of the family, say the mom is just like super fulfilled and restful and peaceful and the husband, for example, is completely fried, and obviously that can go opposite ways. That's not what we're going for. And then at the same time, it wouldn't be right to, you know, just have this completely lush self-serving lifestyle while one of your kids is genuinely going through something super hard, and they're, you know, really struggling, not doing well in life, and you are. Like, there's just a balance.
So I think it's just a matter of trying to stay tuned to things. I imagine most of us listening are not going to be prone to that because you're just doing a great job, and you're really probably prone to the other direction of depleting your own self, and not filling yourself up. But I think it's just good to keep in mind what is my goal? It's to fill myself up so that I can actually do the work that God has called me to do, and keeping an eye on everyone else in the family, knowing that, you know, sometimes we do lay down our lives, and that's not easy, but we do that for others. So I cannot say that I have this balance completely figured out, but at least has given me a little bit of a, like, bullseye of what I'm shooting for.
So the second thing I wanted to say is that I learned this from Rachel Jankovic. And I'm trying to remember which book it is, I actually do not remember, but one of her first two books. And she talks about this whole concept of when you feel like you've lost your identity as a mom, you've lost yourself, and you want to, you know, "find yourself" and she makes the point that your new self, when you're, you know, a mom and a wife, is found in your new role and is found in your people. And so she makes this (and I wish I could remember where it was) but she just says, "If you're feeling lost and like you need something or you need a break or reprieve, you're seeking something to fill you up. Look to your people. They're your life. They're your new life." And I found that a little bit abrasive at first, because part of me enjoys finding life not in that role. And I don't think she's saying that that's never okay. But I think she's challenging us to think about ways that when you are fried and when you are overwhelmed, you can find your life and your rest and your joy with your people.
So I thought about that a little bit and came up with some suggestions. I think that there's this magic golden opportunity of thinking and finding ways that you're receiving life and also your kids are and also your husband. And that's a little bit easier because, you know, if you're able to go away with your husband, that's checking those two boxes. You're building your marriage, you're strengthening your marriage, but you're also getting a reprieve. And that's a date night kind of thing, too. So that's maybe a little bit easier to conceptualize versus you have little kids. But I did think of a bunch of different things like for me, you know, maybe it was if when you have little kids, you go, you know, on a hike and they can splash around in a little creek or something and you can sit there on the side and read a book. They're getting a little bit of life and you are.
Maybe it's taking them to Chick-fil-A or Panera to do homeschool. And so you get your cup of coffee and your spinach and artichoke quiche. They don't call it that, but it's the most amazing thing. I think I've talked about it before on here, which is kind of embarrassing. But anyway, you're kind of getting a break in the change of scenery and they are as well. Maybe you enjoy bike riding together. Probably that is only true for older children because it's not restful to take little children on a bike ride. But that's sort of an idea where trying to find is there—and this isn't you're gonna be your only source of self care—but are there opportunities that my kids are enjoying and I also am enjoying and finding some self care in that.
Sometimes I will take a child with me grocery shopping (just one) and you know, maybe you stop and get them a little treat or you know, they enjoy the samples at Costco and you could be by yourself, but it's kind of nice to just have like one kid and kind of bond. Now, I mean, I don't do that all the time. I'm not saying you need to but looking for little opportunities where you're also kind of enjoying something and it's also life-giving to your kids. I think that is a magic sweet spot. Again, that's not what every self care, you know, application has to look like, but that's just one idea. I've talked a lot about, or recently, been thinking a lot about how it feels like such a luxury to have dates and spend time with your husband and you know, go away, but I think that is just so essential and it's just kind of silly that we think we can't do it because it is super important. There's so many studies about how it's better for the marriage, for the kids, for the wife and husband individually. And so making time to have those little getaways.
I really think that they should be wired into the routine of the year and maybe even the week too. We're going to talk about weekly date night kind of opportunities. But there should be regular, you know, we can count on, this is our time, for the husband and the wife. And even if it's like 24 hours, I have found it to be so restful. When we had little kids, I think one time we literally went to our closest big city for 24 hours and it just was amazing that you come home and feel like you've been gone so, so long. That was all we could, you know, afford financially and also just with child care, but it was just still so amazing. Or even if you had one entire day where... And I know this is very difficult in some situations, but I definitely would prioritize this because it is just so, so life-giving.
And I've found that a great time in the year for this is in May because our spring sports are kind of finishing and homeschool's finishing and I feel like I'm going to die. And it just really puts something on the calendar to get us to both breathe some life into our marriage and give us some hope that we're not always going to feel as terrible like we've been run over with a truck. So self care with kids, self care with husband. Those are great, of course. They don't always need to be there, right? Sometimes it's completely great and fine to have some routines, you know, by yourself that are life-giving or with others—not your husband and your kids. So I wanted to talk about some ideas. Basically, I think again, let's think of it in terms of some daily rituals, some weekly rituals and some yearly rituals. And then at the end, I'm going to talk about another concept.
So, okay, let's talk about daily. You probably know the things that are life-giving to you on a daily basis, but I'll just talk about a few. I remember when I first had my first baby, my mother-in-law gave me some excellent advice and she said every day (when she had, you know, little littles) she would try to take 10 to 15 minutes to herself. And she said, "Go sit out on the back porch, bring a magazine, make a cup of tea, do something for yourself for 10 or 15 minutes." And it felt really luxurious, but I tried to implement that. And I think that's so great and awesome. When you have little, little, littles to just try to be faithful to do that.
And, you know, obviously some people find a lot of life in getting up early in the morning and just having time. I have found, even I'm not a morning person, but I have come to just love having 20 minutes before my kids wake up to read my Bible. I sit on the heating vent right now, which is kind of weird, but one thing that's life-giving for me is being warm. So in the winter, I sit on the heating vent and put a blanket on top. And then in the summer, I go sit on my front porch and just absorb the morning sun. It's so good for you on a lot of levels. There's tons of research about that. And if I'm not able to go outside, I just sit inside and be warm. But just for a couple of minutes, that's so essential to me.
And then in the afternoon, just taking a couple of minutes to have kind of like an afternoon tea. I used to hate tea and thought that, I think I called it Coffee's Sad Sister, but I found the most amazing brand. Have you ever heard of Harney Tea? This is not an advertisement, but I found it on Walmart and Amazon and it tastes like it has sugar, but it doesn't. It's just so beautifully spiced and just like a beautiful little thing. So again, I think Sally Clarkson talks about this a lot. She would just kind of go and sit in her room for a couple of minutes and take a cup of tea. I have found that even in the midst of a really difficult homeschooling morning, if I can just close my eyes sometimes for a couple seconds and just, like, sensory retreat, even if it's, you know, sitting on the front porch in the sun or just sitting on the couch and closing my eyes for a couple seconds, honestly, that really does help to just like reorient you and re-energize you for the rest of the work. But that afternoon tea time, got to recommend that.
And then in the night, we used to watch a show together. I have a blog post. It's like all of these shows. I think it's called non-trashy shows to watch with your husband when your kids are in bed. And we had years and years and years where we did that, but now we're really more on a reading kick. And it's just one of my favorite things. I think one of the best things I've done in the last year is to invest in making my bed a really comfortable spot. We weren't able to do that, you know, financially for a couple of years, but we splurged on this amazing mattress. I wish I could remember the brand because I went back and forth, but finally decided on like a crunchy mattress because I wanted to go that direction and got like this awesome pad and awesome sheets. And it just feels like you get in and you're like, oh my goodness, this is so amazing. Especially in the winter. In the summer, it's not quite as big of a deal.
But just having that time to like, okay, we're going to hang out. We're going to read. And even if it means... You know, I have older kids now, like putting them to bed before they're exactly tired or ready for bed. Every once in a while, that's fine. They'll live. It's okay. And I think it's really important when you have kids in the teen years to do that every once in a while. Um, so those are some daily. And then weekly, just thinking about Sabbath and having a Sabbath. I really would challenge you if you don't do that. And, you know, speaking to myself, I've phased in and out of this, but just having some time. I was just talking with a friend this week that was explaining how she has done that and they prep a ton of stuff the day before—prep their meals, go grocery shopping, clean the house. They actually host a church life group. So that's, you know, motivation to get all that out of the way.
But then just really enjoying, you know, if you can take a nap on Sunday afternoon or just read or, you know, go for a walk or do something for a little bit that's life giving to you and particularly not having to do the things that aren't. So there have been seasons that I have done that where I've prepped the meals the day before or gotten things ready. And it is just amazing. It feels so luxurious and really is such a treat. And we're in a different season right now where my husband and I are actually able to, because the kids are at youth group and different events, able to sometimes go grab a bite to eat together. That has been awesome and is a definite Sabbath. But another big piece is just putting your phone away. And I would challenge us all to do that on Sundays and block it off, you know, do not disturb. I delete my like social or any apps that are distracting to me just so it's a really boring phone for 24 hours because it's really not restful if you're on your phone, even if you're not "working."
And then for yearly, I do kind of like a day retreat planning day. I do it twice a year. So I do one right before school starts and then one before the second semester begins, like after Christmas and just go to Panera. I usually spend some time kind of like goal setting, thinking through each of my kids, praying through things. And sometimes will then go for a walk or sometimes I even let myself go window shopping or just something that might feel a little bit life-giving. And those times I really have come to rely on. And then I mentioned the yearly getaway with your husband. If you're married, I think that's so essential, so important. You know, maybe you're in a position where somebody that you know has a house that you could just borrow for a night or two. Or another idea is to see if your kids can leave and you can have a staycation, even if you have in-laws who would be willing to do that.
I know every situation is so different and we're not always able to do what we want to do. But I do feel like that's just the biggest priority to try to squeeze in. And I want to talk for a quick second about scholé for moms. Have you heard the word scholé? It means restful learning. So the idea is that as moms, we want to set the tone for what our homeschool is. We don't want it to feel stressed, we don't want our kids to be burnt out, we want them to love things that are good and beautiful and true. And so we have to model that. And so I think the idea is if you're interested in this, Scholé Sisters have a fun blog and also a podcast that I enjoy from time to time. But the idea is finding... the phrase that they sometimes use is mother culture. And so things that are life-giving to you, but they talk about the difference between leisure and rest.
There's a book that's super thick I intend to read at some point called Leisure the Basis of Culture. And I think it kind of unpacks these ideas of things that are not necessarily just complete checked-out rest, but peaceful learning. So book clubs, classes, museums, handicrafts, nature, hiking, reading. I think it's so important for homeschool moms to be reading and having hobbies, which if you have little kids, please don't stress out over that. You may not be able to. But that's just another thing I would recommend you look into is this whole concept of scholé for moms and mother culture. And again, when I had super little kids, I was not really doing this at all. I remember I hardly read it all and now I'm reading tons. So there are seasons, but I think it is so important for us to be modeling what it looks like to be a restful learner, you know? And to love the things that are beautiful and true and good.
I'd love to know what you thought of this podcast. And again, make sure you check this show notes for my bi-weekly newsletter with lots of little things that I'm loving and that are life-giving to me. I hope that you have a wonderful day with your kids and your family and just blessings on you today. I'll talk to you later.
Guys, thanks so much for joining us this week on The Homeschool Solutions Show. You can find show notes and links to all the resources mentioned at Homeschooling.mom. If you haven't already, please subscribe to the podcast and leave us a review, and that'll help other homeschooling parents find our community. And finally, don't forget to tag us on Instagram @HomeschoolingDotMom. That's @HomeschoolingDotMom to let us know what you thought of today's episode.
