HS #272 You Can’t Make Me! (But I Can Be Persuaded) with Cynthia Tobias and Sue Acuña

HS #272 You Can’t Make Me! (But I Can Be Persuaded) with Cynthia Tobias and Sue Acuña

Links and Resources:

Show Notes:

About Cynthia Tobias

Best-selling author of best-selling books The Way They Learn and You Can’t Make Me! (But I Can Be Persuaded) and featured frequently on Focus on the Family’s Best of Broadcast , Cynthia Tobias has a successful background that includes over 32 years as an author and speaker, 8 years of teaching high school, and 6 years in law enforcement.

Cynthia has written 14 books and is a featured guest on radio and television, a popular presenter for business, government agencies, churches and schools throughout the U.S. and the world. She is the mother of twin sons, now young adults, and she and her husband Jack live in the Seattle area.

About Sue Acuña

Sue Acuña is one of those goofy teachers who enjoys spending time with middle schoolers. She and Cynthia Tobias co-authored Middle School: The Inside Story (What Kids Tell Us But Don’t Tell You), which has led to new adventures as a speaker. She has crisscrossed the country sharing anecdotes and advice on how the classroom experience can be more successful and enjoyable for everyone—students, parents, and teachers.

Sue received her B.A. and M.Ed. from Concordia University, Portland. She currently teaches middle school at Concordia Christian Academy in Tacoma and also directs the choir at St. Luke’s Lutheran in Federal Way. Sue and her husband Paul have been married for almost 40 years and have raised three sons, one of whom is married and expecting a son in June.

Show Transcript:

HS EP 272

Wendy -

Hello and welcome back to another installment of the Homeschool Solutions Show. My name is Wendy Speake, and I am one of the many hosts we have here on the podcast. Each week you'll hear from one of us inviting one of our friends to join for a conversation about this busy blessed season as we educate our children at home.

Now, the title of the show is Homeschool Solutions. While we don't have the answer to every question, we know that all the solutions to every stress and every struggle can be found in the Person and presence of Jesus Christ and His living and active and applicable Word. We are so glad that you're here to join us for today's conversation. But before we start the show, I'd like to thank our sponsor.

Medi-Share. An affordable and Biblical healthcare alternative. Find out more at mychristiancare.org for their ongoing support of homeschooling families just like yours.

And now, on today's show.

Cynthia -

This is Cynthia Tobias.

Sue -

And this is Sue Acuna.

Cynthia -

And you're listening to the podcast, It's Never Just Another Day. Well today, Sue, we have one of my favorite topics.

Sue -

Life-changing.


C -

Oh my goodness, the strong-willed child. I'm talking about my book, You Can't Make Me, But I Can Be Persuaded, on the strong-will child. And there's no age limit. You never outgrow it. I have experience cause I am one and I have one. I think you have a little experience with strong-willed kids too.

S -

I am a little strong-willed myself. Not as much as you are. We know this. But I have raised one and of course, in the classroom, I have had a few and I have to say when I learned this information from you years ago, it was life-changing both in my house and in my classroom.

C -

So, you had your own strong-willed child too.

S -

Oh, from the time he was about three, we knew he was going to be a challenge.

C -

Yeah. I think, the Lord, I kind of considered that the Lord sort of gave me a taste of my own medicine. It's like raising the child that's a little miniature version of you, and it was a little bit difficult. Well, some of you listening, you're wondering, boy, I think I have a strong-willed child, but you might just be stubborn. She might just be defiant or disobedient. How do you know the difference between a strong-willed child and a child who's just plain stubborn?

So, on page thirteen in the book and will list this in the free resources too because on cynthiatobias.com, we have the checklist on there that you can print it right off. It's a PDF that you can print it off right away. There's a checklist with twelve statements that can be said of the strong-willed child, and this is also true of the strong-willed adult. So, if you're listening you might just either keep track as we go on your fingers, whether you're the strong-willed child or just write down how many times of these twelve, so, how many times of the twelve statements would you have to put a checkmark and say, yep, most of the time that's me or most of the time, that's my son, most of the time that's my daughter.

S -

Or even your spouse.

C -

It actually happens that way too. Alright, so we'll go back and forth on these, Sue, I'll do the first one and then back and forth and we'll pause that for a minute and let you guys out there kind of mark down or make a mental note of how many checkmarks you're gonna put. The first one is strong-willed child, remember, of any age almost never accepts words like "impossible" or phrases like "it can't be done".

S -

A strong-willed child can move with lightning speed from being a warm, loving presence to being a cold, immovable force.

C -

May argue that point into the ground just sometimes to see how far into the ground the point will actually go.

S -

If bored, a strong-willed child has been accused of actually creating a crisis rather than have a day go by without incident.



C -

Strong-willed child considers rules to be more like guidelines. You know, as long as I'm abiding by the spirit of the law why are you being so picky?

S -

A strong-willed child shows great creativity and resourcefulness, seems to always find a way to accomplish a goal.

C-

Can turn what seems to be the smallest issue into a grand crusade or a raging controversy.

S -

And doesn't usually do things just because you are supposed to. It needs to matter personally.

C -

The strong-willed child often refuses to obey unconditionally, usually wants to negotiate just a few terms before complying. Doesn't mean I won't do it. Just a few terms before complying.

S -

And is not afraid to try the unknown to conquer the unfamiliar, although each strong-willed child chooses his or her own risks, they all seem to possess the confidence to try new things.

C -

Can take what was meant to be the simplest request and interpret it as an offensive ultimatum.

S -

And may not actually say the exact words to apologize, but almost always makes things right.


C -

Now let's talk about the score. Out of twelve, if you just scored zero to four, you have strong will, but you don't use it much. If you scored between four and seven, you use it when you need to, but not on a daily basis. If you scored eight to ten, you've got a very healthy dose of it, but you can back off when you need to. If you scored eleven to twelve, as I did, you don't leave home without it. And it's almost impossible not to use it.

Well, my score was twelve out of twelve. Sue, what's your score?

S -

I run around nine or ten. I've got it, but I can hide it when I need to.


C -

Oh, that's good. I have a hard time hiding my strong role. The other interesting thing is strong will can be either real active, or it can kind of be passive. You know, in other words, strong will doesn't always mean right in your face with it, and I refuse to do it. Sometimes the passive strong will says, okay, fine. And then I go do what I want anyway. I just don't make a big deal of it. This has been a little issue, hasn't it?

S -

And, yes, and sometimes strong will just stare you down and not say anything. And then it's a matter of who blinks first.

C -

But here's the here's the really positive thing and the thing I love most about strong-willed kids of all ages, but especially strong-willed kids, they are, it's absolutely a positive trait. Strong-willed in and of itself is not a negative trait. You know, a lot of times people think what happens you obnoxious, you're rude, you're defiant. That's not strong will. That's strong will gone sideways. Strong will itself is a very positive trait, not easily discouraged. Not easily daunted, doesn't necessarily take no for an answer. All those things that can be irritating to you as a parent. But as they become adults and even teenagers, you want them to have a good strong dose of strong will to not only resist temptation but to overcome challenges, sometimes physical illness, sometimes all kinds of challenges in their life, to overcome depression.

S -

And in...sorry. And in education these days we're really big on teaching our resilience and perseverance and it takes a strong will to continue to plug on through when there are problems and obstacles.

C -

Right. So, look at it this way. You have a child that does not easily give up. That's an upside and downside, but in so many ways it's such a good thing. Now for me, as an individual, I grew up the daughter of a preacher. I never rebelled against my dad. I never talked back to him. I never yelled. I, you know, right away at the very beginning I figured out what the deal was, I think, from age two. And I had a great deal of respect for him. Even to his dying day, I would never have done anything that would have disappointed him. Outwardly I looked like a fairly easy to get along with kid. It's just when you backed me into a corner, and you pointed your bony finger in my face and you said you do it, or else. That's when I would just...else. Because I know there's nothing I really have to do except die, at least figuratively, which I'm willing to do. If I'm willing to die and you're not, I win. I'm dead, but I win.

S -

And for me it isn't so much a "do it, or else". It's more, "let me do it my own way". If someone says, get this done and do it this way, then I bristle because for me the implication is I can't figure it out myself and I want you to just let me do it. Don't ask me what I'm looking for, just let me find it and if I need your help I will ask for it.


C -

Now, I know you well enough that you don't necessarily confront them with that. They'll, you'll just say, okay, I'll get it done. And then you go do it your way, right?

S -

I just won't reply and I'll go do it my own way, yes. Quiet strong will.

C -

Well, in the course of writing my book, You Can't Make Me, But I Can Be Persuaded, I talked to thousands of strong-willed kids. I've been doing this now for going on 33 years, right? And I have talked to thousands of strong-willed kids throughout the country, throughout the world. And what I did essentially over the years is sort of just put a consensus, a kind of summary of the most common answers I get from strong-willed kids of all ages, all walks of life. And put together some points to remember and some strategies that seem to be pretty universal. And so over this podcast, and then the next one, we're just going to talk about the things that you and I have both seen work. They just work. And sometimes I don't even know why. Sometimes those of you that are listening, you'll hear us tell you something and you'll go, oh, I did that already. I just didn't realize that that was why it worked so well. Because sometimes you have to get into the mind of the strong-willed child in order to really try to understand. And if you're not one, since it kind of takes one to know one, it will be foreign to you, but you will, if you trust us, you will quickly figure out that it works.

So, I'm going to kind of talk in terms, at least when I talk about this, we and I because we strong-willed kids, I identify so strongly, as a twelve out of twelve. And you know you can always challenge me, Sue, if I seem to be getting a little too extreme.

S -

I just wanted to add that if you find yourself asking why can't she just do what I say? Why does he always have to argue? Then this is definitely stuff that's going to be helpful. And it only takes a little practice for it to become very natural. I have so little conflict in my classroom. And it's because I used so many of these techniques. So, hang in there, this is gonna be good.

C -

Right. And here are the three main points to remember before we, the next one, when we talk about specific strategies, but these are three kind of overarching things that I discovered talking to so many strong-willed kids. We all said, you know, we don't have trouble with authority. And this surprises people sometimes because I mean I talked to kids who've never been in trouble and I've also talked to juveniles who are being tried for capital crimes as adults, and everything in between. And across the board, everybody said it's, we don't have trouble with authority. It's not authority we have trouble with. It's how the authority is communicated.

S -

In fact, I know for my son, he has to see an authority as worthy of his respect. And they're only worthy of his respect if they don't try and, you know, pull rank on him and say, look, you've got to do it because I say so. And then if they don't come across as a strong leader and a strong authority, they don't have his respect.

C -

And you gotta remember one thing. You're not the big boss. You're not the big true boss because you know I learned in eighteen months, they can't make you digest peas, right? They can put them in your little mouth if they force it open, you might accidentally swallow a couple. But you'll quickly figure out as a toddler, they can't make me digest them right? I can, I choose whether the peas stay down or come back up. That's just a basic human nature law that we figure out just almost from birth. You can't force me to do the right thing. You can enforce if I don't do the right thing. So, if you come across as the big boss, you will do this, and I mean it, period, end of discussion. I might have done it until you said I didn't have a choice.

So, when it comes to communicating your authority, it becomes very important to learn how to share a little control without surrendering the authority. In other words, we're not saying and I've never heard a strong-willed child ever tell me, oh, I think I should be able to get by with bad behavior. No, they wouldn't respect you if you let them get by with bad behavior. It's not the correction that they resent, it's how you do it. Sometimes, just a tone of voice, right Sue?

S -

Tone of voice is huge. And volume. Volume is really important. If you're trying to assert your authority by saying, here's how bad I can make things if you don't do it. Here is how much I can punish you, I'm not going to respect you very much because no matter how much you punish a strong-willed child, they still can refuse on the other side to do what's expected.

C -

Right, and you simply can't force it. I remember several years ago I was speaking because I used to be a police officer. I was speaking for an International Association of women police. And it was in Seattle and there were, we did a little side seminar on parenting and strong-willed kids. And there were about 25 high-level police commanders, women police commanders, from all over the world.

And we kind of went around the circle to sort of talk about our kids. And there was one woman who was from Nova Scotia. She was in very high level in the law enforcement and she said, you know, really good cop. I'm really good at what I do. I've been promoted a lot. I'm actually very proficient. And then she almost cried. She said, I think I'm a terrible mother. She said, I'm divorced. My sixteen-year-old daughter, I went over to get her from her dad's the other day and she said I'm not going home with you today. And I said yes, you are. And she said no, I'm not. And I said yes, you are. And she said no, I'm not and you can't make me. And this police officer, she said, so I put it in a suspect come-along hold and put her in the car. And we all gasped. You know we're all going what? She goes, I know, I didn't know what else to do.

It's, there's this thing, especially with positional authority like the military, first responders, a lot of people, had parents with sort of positional authority. Since I am your authority you are to obey me without question the first time, end of discussion. The thing is, even if you get it, you don't get to keep it because you can't really force me to do it.

S -

And when you're homeschooling and you come up across the child who says I don't wanna do that assignment, I don't want to work today, it's good to have some tricks in your back pocket to say, okay, and figure out a way around it rather than just say, well, you better do it or else. Because you know you can't call the principal in when you're homeschooling.

C -

And anytime you, and I know this is tempting because under stress, of course, it's tempting to say because I said so, that's why. You don't need to know and you don't need to have a reason. I'm just telling you that if you don't do this, this is going to be done. Well, as soon as we hear the ultimatum in the authority, we check out and we do whatever we can to make you stop talking to us. But we're certainly probably not going to do what you just demanded that we do.

S -

Because we can't. We just, we just can't.

C -

It kinda goes along with this second point to remember. Which is, we don't need to control you. I don't need to have all control over you. Not all control freaks are strong-willed kids. Not all strong-willed kids are control freaks. So, I don't mean to control you, but it's important that I not let you take all control away from me. That's an important distinction because if you, I have to have some amount of control over myself. So, if you've taken that away and giving me no choice about anything, then if I feel helpless, I'm gonna strike back. I'm either gonna strike back or I'm gonna withdraw.

S -

And you really see this when you ask a strong little child to do something and they wait. They can't immediately jump up and obey and do it because that gives you too much control, too much power. And so, they wait and then it becomes a game of strategy. At what point do you say, hey, when are you gonna get that done, which of course then will make them dig in and...yeah, put it off even more. Or at what point do you just wait them out?

C -

The other thing is interesting is, we see kids who've lost control, either through the loss of a parent, in divorce, or in grief. A lot of times kids in foster care, kids that have gotten in trouble with the law, they've lost control over certain parts of their own life and when they do that they have to control whatever it is they can control. And sometimes that's either just by refusing to do it or by rebelling further. And so, and we're going to be, we're going to be talking in a little while about how you do this. How do you share some control without giving up that authority? Cause the bottom line always stays the bottom line. You do not ever have to lower any accountability. You don't have to lower your standards. You don't have to accept any compromises in behavior.

What you do need to do is figure out, how can I communicate my authority in a way that doesn't automatically make that child dig their heels in?

S -

And what you want to try and avoid always is a power struggle because when you find yourself in a win-lose situation, somebody walks away unhappy and it doesn't improve what's going to happen next time.

C -

A classic example and I, Mike, my strong-willed child, he's 29 years old now. But in reading the book, he said yeah, Mom, leave that example in cause even he remembers at age six, he'd had his toys all over the place and I've told over and over again, he needs to, you need to pick up the toys. They have to be put up. Finally, in exasperation, I said Mike. Michael Tobias. If I have to pick up these toys, I'm going to give em to other kids. So, you pick up these toys right now.

He stood to his full height, and he looked right at me and said, give them to other kids, and walked away. I think he, oh my goodness, I like those toys. Those are toys that are expensive.

S -

It's a lot of money.

C -

And here he is, he's ready to just take, he just walked away. So, a deal's a deal. I know that as a strong return myself. A deal is a deal. This is not the time to be weak or back down. It's, so, I picked up all the toys, I gathered them up, put em in the garage, and the next Sunday, I took em to church game to Compassion Ministries. And, you know, at 29, Mike has still never asked me, ever, what happened to those toys? He never asked me to replace one single one of them. He just, at age six, stood up, took the punishment, walked away, and never said another word. Whoa.

S -

And how important was it for you to follow through at that point? How important was it in his eyes for you to follow through?

C -

Critical. It was critical. Cause I'm gonna look at you and challenge you and I'm like, you think that I want you to back down. But what actually is true is I don't want you back down. I heard a parenting expert talk a while back that said, you know when you first have your young kids at the amusement park and they put the safety bar over the ride, the amusement ride, and they fight it, fight it, fight it and push against it and try to get it off. The expert said, he said, you think that they're trying to get it undone, but that's not what they're doing. They're pushing on it to find out, will it hold? You know, in the curve when it gets really scary will it hold.

And so, I can't emphasize enough on these two points is, as far as communicating in authority and watching how you share that control, not giving up your authority. That is essential.


S -

And if you've ever felt or you've ever heard a child say, I'll do it because I want to, not because you told me to, then you know that's exactly what you're dealing with. And so, the key is to help figure out a way for them to want to do whatever it is you expect. But where they're going to call your bluff. Be careful what you threaten. Because they are gonna call your bluff.

C -

Sometimes it's not you that messes it up, it's your husband. Because the two of you come at it with totally different parenting approaches, a lot of times, because we tend to marry the opposite. Did you know that we marry opposites?

S -

Yeah, just a little.

C -

It's because we admired thinking how great that would be to have those complementary strengths, and then...

S -

It will stretch and we will grow.

C -

Oh, my goodness, the very things that drew you apart drives you crazy because we're living proof that our way works, right? So if you have a strong-willed spouse, or if you are one, the chances are good some of the very same friction that you experience with your child, you are also experiencing in your marriage. And it doesn't have to be negative. It can be used in a very positive way. But it certainly should be familiar.

S -

Which leads you right into that third point.

C -

That's right.

S -

It's all about the relationship.

C -

And this is a really big one. The quality of the relationship you have with your child directly determines the effectiveness of these techniques. The strategies that we're sharing, if you don't have a relationship with me as a strong-willed child, that I wanna keep, then all bets are off. I mean, why should I do anything you say? You're going to be mad at me anyway.

But if you have a relationship that I want to preserve, in other words, in the good times you smile at me, you enjoy having me around you do things positively with me, then when it comes to my getting in trouble, I have a really good motivation to get back in your good graces.

If, most, I don't know, I think I was a colicky baby. My mom told me I was. So, I was not a pleasure to be around when I was an infant or sometimes not even as a toddler. And we, I know you get so tired and you get so exhausted that you are tempted...it's not like you really feel like sitting in that rocking chair with the screaming baby going, oh Lord, thank you for giving me this wonderful child.

And I just encourage moms that are listening, especially with younger children, smile at us more often. Smile. I know you don't feel like it. Even if it's kind of a fake smile. Because it's so important. The sense of humor and the sense of our feeling like we're loved, we're wanted, we're not just causing you endless irritation and aggravation, but you really want to be around us.

S -

And then when that small child has stood there with his hands on his hips, and defied you, and you have dealt with the situation, hopefully in a very calm and strategical way, and ten minutes later, comes back and he wants you to read him a book. Don't say, go away, I'm still mad at you. That is your time to heal the relationship. And I had a child this...child. An eighth-grader, this past year, who was a fourteen on the scale of one to twelve. And she would push and she would stand her ground. And yet, we ended the year on really good terms, because when I had the chance, I would circle back around and make sure she knew I cared about her. Her behavior might be driving me crazy, but I really cared about her. I was really interested in who she was, and I really was looking out for her well-being.

And I had watched her clash with other teachers because she didn't feel that they cared about her. She felt that they cared about her obeying.

C -

I had some of the same experiences when I was teaching high school in the public high school, and kids, you know, would come and want to hang around with me after school that other teachers couldn't even stand these. Well, what's your secret? I didn't really have a secret. It's just in how do you feel valued. Whether or not you feel respected. And you can be comfortable with that person rather than constantly feeling like you have to be on edge.

S -

And I get the same question. What's your secret? And, I guess if there were one secret, it would be if in the moment you can stop thinking about how can I get what I want and start thinking about the child. Where is this kid coming from? What is it this kid really needs at this point? And as you've taught me, always come back to what's the point here? What is the point? Is it life or death that this student does the math assignment the way I asked? Or is there something else going on that maybe I need to deal with?

C -

And another really nice way to build a relationship with your strong-willed child, even when they're really irritating you, is to ask them the question, do you know what I like about you? A real turning point for me was when the boys were probably five or six years old and I had put them to bed and I got back in bed and I was thinking back to the day, all the parenting things I'd said. Who, I've told you a million times not to leave those wet towels on the floor. Who put this here? Don't put the milk in the refrigerator without putting that lid back on it. All the kind of corrective things. And I got to feeling really kind of convicted thinking, I just, but I didn't tell him one single thing all day that I really liked about them, that I really appreciated.



And so, we started kind of a new tradition, that at least two or three times a week the boys, before bed, would snuggle in to our bed and I would say, hey Mike, you know what I like about you? And he'd say, what? And I'd think, oh my goodness, you really don't know. I'd say I really liked today, when you opened that door for Grandma, and you didn't even have to, and you let her go through first. I love that about you, that you're so thoughtful. And you know he would just sit there and you know, bask in it.

And we would just do that every few days with both boys. And it was amazing how much the relationship changed and the attitude toward each other. And pretty soon it was probably not even a month before my strong-willed Mike came up to me, said Mommy, you know what? And I said, what? Do you know what I like about you? And I thought, oh Lord, I'm so sorry I didn't start it sooner. Because it's with the hard, the hard part of raising that strong-willed child is remembering to be kind and to be loving. You wouldn't think you'd need to have that, but they can just really get on your nerves pretty constantly if you don't remind yourself.

S -

And they like to test that relationship, especially in the heat of battle. Nobody can deflect like a strong-willed child who will turn it away from you trying to get them to do something they don't want to do, to making sure that you're really on their side. Why do I have to do this anyway? You're always picking on me. Why do I have to do this? You don't even like me. Then, so it's really important to keep that. And in one response I've learned from you is just not to respond with any words, just a smile. Just a smile and a nod and let them know, I know what you're doing here.

C -

Plus, in case you've ever wondered, does he push my buttons on purpose? I just wanna say yes.

S -

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

C -

Yes. As a strong will kid, I know exactly as early as, probably early into my eighteen months, two years, I figured out already how to, what button to push. I can make you cry, I can make you yell at me. I can make you scream. I can make you crazy and, as a child I wonder, oh it's, you know, I just do it cause I can, right? Cause I push and you go and I push and you go and I might even think to myself, oh I really shouldn't but, oh, it's just irresistible. I push and you go.

If you're so predictable in your response that you come back at me, then I'm disconcerted by it. I don't like it. But I have one, that's one little piece of control that I have over you. I know if I say this or if I do this that you're immediately gonna jump on me. You're immediately gonna yell at me.

S -

And I'm gonna file that away and I'm going to use that next time to get out of doing something that I don't want to do. I'm just going to push that button and off you'll go and there's a whole new issue, and now those dishes aren't going to get done. That paper is not going to get written.

C -

That's right, cause you'll just send me to my room and you'll punish me. And so I know exactly what to do to get in trouble.

S -

Or maybe I'll go off on a rant to bring up every time that I've ever disobeyed and that's fine, cause I'll just shut down and let you rant and I still won't do what you've asked me to do.

C -

Now, remember if you're listening and you're kind of losing heart, thinking, oh my goodness. How am I ever going to get the best of this? There really isn't as difficult as it sounds. We're just trying to give you some guidelines. And I think you probably already figured out, this is my son. This is my daughter. And I just want to remind you of something as we kind of get toward the end here. Don't forget what a gift a strong-willed child is to you. A true gift. A child who's not easily daunted and not easily discouraged is also a child who can have amazing faith and resiliency.

And they don't, they come to raw, right? I mean you get that strong-willed child. They don't know how to control their strong will. They don't know what to do with it. They just, they have to learn that. And so that makes it the hardest on us. Those, especially that first five to ten years of life because we're the ones trying to teach them what that strong will is and how to deal.

S -

And, it's our job as a parent, whether we're strong-willed or not, to mold that strong will so it becomes a gift. So that it becomes something that people appreciate rather than run away from. And my strong-willed firstborn was about ten when I first discovered this information in your book. And as he went through his teenage years, how when he had girlfriends, he would say to his girlfriends, yep, I'm pretty strong-willed. Do you wanna know how to deal with me? Talk to my mom. Talk to my mom.

C -

And so, let's give you a couple of quick things at the end. First of all, we have, on the website, cynthiatobias.com. If you go to resources and drop down to free resources, there's a whole little section on strong-willed child. And there is there the checklist that we read to you today. And also the strong-willed child emergency kit. This is for when you don't have time to read a book.

You don't have time to listen to a podcast or watch a video. You are in a meltdown. How do you get out of it?

So, Sue, give them these three quick steps for avoiding a meltdown, even if they're in the middle of it.

S -

Number one, back off. We had what I called the walk-away policy with my son where I would say something and if he is nostrils-flared and he puffed up, I would walk away. Just back off. Give you both some space to calm down.

And then, number two is to ask yourself, what's the point? Is there another way to get this done? Is there another time to get this done? How important is it to fight this battle right now? And what's the bottom line? Is it to make your child angry or is it to get him to do something that needs to be done and that he doesn't want to do?

And number three is be honest. If you've lost it, ask for a do-over. Just take a breath and say wow, I can do this better or sorry I lost it there, but be honest and say, I was upset and I overreacted.

C -

And next time we're going to talk about five quick ways to turn the conflict into the cooperation. Kinda going along with this, this list that says you don't have to have great resources. You don't have to have a great plan. We can give you some quick things that are almost guaranteed to completely, if not completely, to significantly, I should say, reduce that conflict.

S -

Absolutely, and I'll tell you from experience, it really, really works. And it takes some practice because it's hard not to react the way you've always reacted. Maybe not to react the way your parents reacted, but if you can just take a breath and try some of these techniques, you'll be absolutely amazed at what a difference it makes.

C -

So, in closing let me remind you of this. I truly believe that you did not get that strong-willed child by accident. That God did not make a mistake to trust you with a child with that kind of strong will. And also I believe that God will give you the grace and the strength to deal with your child in a way that can become graceful and full of love and I don't want you to give up.

S -

And then when you are faced with a strong little child and you successfully de-escalate the situation and get the cooperation that you want, you will recognize it's not just another day.



Wendy -

Thank you for joining us this week on the Homeschool Solutions Show. As always, you can find show notes and links to all the resources mentioned at homeschooling.com. Take a moment to subscribe to the podcast and if it was especially meaningful to you, share it with your friends via email or social media. This is just another way we can all encourage and love and support one another.

Speaking of love and support, we are so grateful for the support of our sponsors. Have you joined us at one of the Great Homeschool Conventions? The Great Homeschool Conventions are the homeschooling events of the year, offering outstanding speakers hundreds of workshops covering today's top parenting and homeschooling topics, and the largest homeschool curriculum exhibit halls in the US. Find out more at greathomeschoolconventions.com. I hope to see you there.

But in the meantime, let's gather together again here on the podcast next week.


Our Sponsors:

Medi-Share

Operation Christmas Child

Sonlight Curriculum

Great Homeschool Conventions

Previous PostHS #271 Homeschooling When Mom and Dad Work in Ministry or on the Side with Guest Alyssa Bethke
Next PostHS #273 Dysgraphia: When a Child Hates to Write with Dianne Craft