CM 3 Episode #23 Homeschooling an Only Child with Guest Erika Alicea
Links and Resources:
Show Notes:
Erika Alicea is a former NYC public school teacher turned homeschooling mama to one amazing girl residing in the Bronx, New York. As she began to learn about all the beauty a Charlotte Mason (CM) education has to offer, Erika needed to be creative in implementing CM methods in the context of city life and as a family of color. Being a firm believer in multicultural education for all children through the use of diverse, living books, she uses her website Charlotte Mason City Living as a resource to help parents diversify their instruction and as an encouragement to all families, especially for those who feel Miss Mason’s philosophy may not be inclusive enough or even possible for multicultural and urban families.
Podcast Charlotte Mason For All
The Education of an Only Child (Parent’s Review)
Show Transcript:
CM EP 23
Julie -
Welcome to the Charlotte Mason Show. A podcast dedicated to discussing Ms. Mason's philosophy, principles, and methods. It is our hope that each episode will leave you inspired, and offer practical wisdom on how to provide this rich, living education in your modern homeschool. So, pull up a chair, we're glad you're here.
Today's episode of the Charlotte Mason Show is brought to you by Medi-Share. Find out more about this affordable Christian alternative to traditional health insurance at medishare.com.
The Charlotte Mason Show would also like to thank their sponsor, Operation Christmas Child. Now, more than ever, children need hope. As the world struggles with the coronavirus pandemic, we want to let them know that God loves them and has not forgotten them. The best way to get involved is to pack a shoebox yourself. As you specially select each item, packing a shoebox becomes a blessing for you, as well as the child who receives. Be sure to include a personalized note and photo. If packing a traditional shoebox isn't an option for you this year, we can do it for you. Build a shoebox online. You can find out more at SamaritansPurse.org/occ. Again, that's SamaritansPurse.org/occ.
Now, on to the show.
Well, hello, Erica. Thank you so much for comin' on today to talk to us about homeschooling an only child.
Erica -
Thank you for having me.
Julie -
I'm so excited to talk to you about this. I think this is a very neglected topic in the homeschooling community. Do you feel that way, kind of?
E -
Oh yeah, I felt alone for a long time.
J -
Yeah. Yeah. But there are, there are a ton of homeschoolers that I know that only have one kid at home, so I know this is really gonna be helpful for them. I think, I think it's growing in number. I think, you know, before, it used to be a lot of people with multiple children and a lot of podcasts and resources were made for, kinda, how to balance that, because that does have its own unique set of challenges, and blessings. But, same thing with, I think, homeschooling an only child, that it does have its unique challenges and blessings as well, so I'm excited to dive into those today with you. But before we get started, can you just kinda give people a little idea about who you are and your homeschooling journey, and then, specifically how you found out about Charlotte Mason.
E -
Sure. So, well, my name is Erica Alicea. And we actually live in New York City, in the Bronx. And homeschooling was never a thought in my mind. I was never one of those moms who would say, oh, when I have children, I'm going to homeschool. No. I was a public school teacher for 12 years.
J -
Me too. Okay.
E -
Oh, were you? So, my plan was to find an excellent charter school for my daughter to attend, and I was going to retire a teacher. That was my plan. And, so, my husband's actually the one who really wanted to homeschool my daughter from the very beginning. But I just missed him. I kept...I was just like, oh, you're trying...you're just an old protective dad. You just wanna keep her in a bubble. And so, I really disregarded her heart, I mean his heart, and I also, I didn't know anyone who was homeschooling near me. Like, I had no idea that there was this huge homeschooling community in New York City.
J -
Is there really? Oh, well, that's awesome. Yeah.
E -
It's huge. And in upper Westchester, in the suburbs, I mean, I had no idea. And so, long story short, my daughter ended up going to traditional school, from PreK to first grade. And I ended up homeschooling her in second grade. It's one of my biggest regrets. Biggest regrets in my life. I'm still paying the consequences for not homeschooling her from the start. By the time we started homeschooling, a lot of damage had been done to our mother-daughter relationship. We had been arguing a lot over homework for years. And it sounds ridiculous, right? Like, she was just...
J -
No, I totally get it. Yeah, you're like...well, why do they need to have homework? Yeah.
E -
...homework, and actually, she would do it in ten minutes, but she would, like, argue with me for forty minutes. Because she was just tired, and she was in kindergarten. I remember, she was five years old. One day I picked her up from school and I said, so tell me about your day. And she, said, Mommy my brain is tired. I don't wanna talk. So, she also used to suffer from separation anxiety. So, the long hours of separation from each other was really hard on her. Like, I look back at those times, and I'm just like, oh, I'm so sorry. So, we just...and then, we're in ministry, and so we had a lot of days where we would be in prayer, and then also, having her in extracurricular activities, and so, we were just out and about all the time, and all our schedules pretty much sucked us dry of quality family time. And so, when God told me to homeschool, I did it, but I had no idea who Charlotte Mason was. And that first year was so hard. I honestly, by December, I wanted to quit. I was like, Lord, if you tell me, right now, to take her tomorrow and register her back in school...
J -
Have the bus drive by house.
E -
I will do it, Lord, but that's not what He said, right? He said to homeschool. And so, I basically begged Him for help and direction, and He is just so faithful, because one of the answers to my prayer was Charlotte Mason. We were doing a lot of outdoor activities and so, part of...one of those outdoor activities was a nature group. And that's where I met two homeschooling mamas...
J -
In New York City, right? I mean, that's...who would have thought, right?
E -
Yeah. Yeah. We actually did one nature group for a year and a half, right here in the Bronx. Yeah, and I mean we realized that we had this amazing preserve right in our borough in our city. And so, this other nature group that I was part of, is where I met two homeschooling moms who became really, really good friends, and who are now my co-hosts on Charlotte Mason for all podcast. Marianna and Simone. And so, in our time hanging out and getting to know each other, sharing the joys, and then the struggles of homeschooling, they gently started to share Charlotte Mason with me. And they kept telling me that what I was expressing to them, as my vision for our homeschool, was exactly in line with a CM philosophy. And so, little by little, they just kind of converted me. And, God in His infinite mercy and grace, He's been restoring those lost opportunities with my daughter through a CM education. There's been a lot of healing that's been needed, and so, He's just been so good. And Charlotte Mason has definitely been a huge answer to this prayer.
J -
I love that, you know, you have other moms who are kinda walking with that. And it's just such, ah, it's such a blessing that we get to do this in community, isn't it? That we don't have to do it by ourselves. And, that God is faithful, you know. That we pray for wisdom, and if we pray for community, it might not be in person, you know. It might have to be online, depending on where you are, in the season of life that you're in, right? But He is faithful to bring those people.
E -
Absolutely.
J -
Oh, that's beautiful. So, let's dive into homeschooling an only child. Obviously, I have five kids, so I don't have a ton of wisdom to share on the subject. But, I was an only child myself. So, yes, I was, so I was thinking about this for this episode and I would have loved to have been homeschooled. I would have... I mean, that wasn't even a thing, like, I know absolutely nobody, until I was, you know, out of college, that had homeschooled. Oh, my goodness, I would have just loved it. I was very much...sounded a lot like your daughter. I had a lot of separation anxiety. I had a lot of, like, performance anxiety in school, about, you know, my grades, and just...I would get so bored. I just remember, like, I taught myself to write with my left hand, and taught myself to write upside down. Like, it was just, school was so boring. And then I would come and I would just read and read and devour books. Like, a Charlotte Mason education, like, I would have just ate that up. That would have just been so beautiful. So, I know from my own personal experience that it would have been, just super valuable in my life, if I would have been homeschooled. So, even if, the fact that I was an only child, I think it would have been a beautiful experience. So, I can talk a little bit from that perspective, but I'm glad that you're the expert on this. So, let's start with the blessings first. So, what awesome advantages that people may overlook in homeschooling, I know we talked...
E -
I know, I had a little bit of trouble with this question, because I often focus on much of struggles, that it does, for me, overlap the blessings. And so, I'm so glad you're asking me that. And, so, I'm gonna start off with the simple stuff, which I think there's less paperwork and planning. I'm focusing on one student, as opposed to multiple kids, so, that's definitely something that, it's a plus. And I think another one, that when I talk with a lot of other parents...well, I'm often the only one with an only child. So, most of the families I'm with, they have...there's a lot of financial strain. And so, they end up having to choose, be very selective, on the extracurricular activities, and they might have to split their funds between children to make sure that everyone has an equal opportunity. So, for my daughter, like, when you only have one, then the financial strain is a little, is less. And so, if you do have a little extra, then you can pour it into...you're basically pouring all that you have, whatever amount that is, into one child. So, that's a perk in terms of homeschooling, because then you can do paid co-ops and extra-curricular activities, so that's pretty cool.
Then, there is more quality time spent with each other.
J -
Yeah, for sure.
E -
Like, she doesn't have to share me with anyone, and I don't have to divide my attention between children. And so that's definitely, that's often a wonderful thing. But, I have to say that sometimes, this one backfires on me. Because she wants to do everything with me. So, she should have had a sibling to play with, or experience nature with, or just create things with, and so, even though she is used to doing things independently, because I have been very adamant. I'm like, well why don't you try that? And mommy's gonna spend some special time with you later. But, do this on your own, because mommy has to cook, and so, I try to have empathy for her, but it's tough sometimes. She's also super social, so she does really well with, like, positive peer pressure and she cooperates more, like, in a group setting. So, I remember in the beginning, when those first couple of years, when there was still a difficult transition with homeschooling, she used to tell me, you know, if there was another student with me, then I would behave better. So, that's been interesting. I'm like, you know, I'd be getting to the point, like, well, there isn't another student, so you have to... anyway.
J -
Yeah. But it sounds like you do have her in a whole bunch of different, like, like you were saying, like, some classes and different things, where she is with other kids and has that, kind of experience of, okay they're doing this, so I'm gonna join and do it as well, kind of.
E -
Yeah, for sure. For sure.
J -
Yeah, that's a good thing. For people. And that kinda leads into this concept of socialization. So we get the, you know, awesome scores, and we rolls our eyes and we get the socialization question. Cause we're like, I'm just like, are you serious? Like, do you realize how, like, I don't even see my kids. Like, they're so social, and out doing a million different activities and working and, you know, playing with the neighbor kids. There's no problem with socialization! Like, is that any way that you kind of address that, or you think that it's important to consider when you have an only child?
E -
Well, it's...you know, I would be lying if I didn't say that was a concern I had too. Like, I, again, it's not some...homeschooling is not something that I wanted to do, something that I felt that I knew God was telling me to do, but that fear was there. And so, every time someone would say, well, how is she going to socialize? I'm going, oh, gosh. I don't know either. But, I knew because she was already in a lot of activities. She was already in dance and then with our church. So, and we had also started taking music, so I said, okay, that's gonna cover it. But we didn't know anyone homeschooling at the time. So, I had to make new friends and she had to make new friends. So, that was interesting. But what I do explain to people now...see, now, I have more of an understanding of what homeschooling is. So, before, it was such a foreign concept. But now, and then also, my mind was so trained in a traditional sense. So, I'm going...not gonna be around friends. But, now, I understand, that the socialization that people are always concerned about, and asking about, it's really not socialization. And you and I were both teachers...
J -
And it's stuff, necessarily, ya don't want them learning a lot of the time.
E -
Oh my gosh! That's so true! They...you and I were both teachers, so we know, when socializing happens? At lunch. And at recess. So, now you're talking about an hour a day. If they were socializing in class and they were gonna get in trouble. And then, the other type of socializing, which I think is more of a current type of teaching method, is with group work. Cause I know, growing up, that wasn't around. But, when I was teaching, there was a lot of group work. But still, that was controlled. And your group work was focusing on the task at hand. So, what's socializing? What's social? And then comes the negative aspect that you spoke about. Like, do you...there are certain things that you don't want your kids to be around. And so, I explain to people, that socialization means something different to every family. Cause we all have diverse family dynamics. And I know, a lot of people, even who homeschooled, too, not to be in a lot of homeschooling activities, because they have their own group at home. And they can dabble a little bit. But when you have an only child, especially, like, in my case, where I'm...my child thrives on socializing with her peers, then I do do a little extra than the average family, because I need to fill in those gaps. And I try to honor that, but then, also, asking God for that wisdom, because that first-year homeschooling, I was doing so many activities for her. And then we were barely home. And so...
J -
Right. Yeah. You go the other way, yeah.
E -
Yeah. Yeah. So, I had to learn balance. And say, okay, what things do I really want her...do I feel that God is leading me and surrounding her with? Whether it's an extracurricular activity, or whether it's a co-op. What is something that she really needs right now? And what is something that I really want for her? And those are two different things. And so, the Holy Spirit, you know, sometimes I'm a little hardheaded and I just, I kinda have my own plan. And listening, oh, oh, okay, okay, Lord. Okay, I'll pull her out of that. Okay, I really don't need to be doing that. I'm so grateful He's patient with me. But yeah, so it's not, it's like, another wonderful thing to see her within these groups, is that I get to witness her social skills on a whole nother level. So, for example, and I'm sure you witnessed this too, that, like, for my child, she...it doesn't matter if the child is like a year a old, or if the child is, like, five years old, or ten, or fifteen. Like, she can flow in whatever direction, and she enjoys it. Of course, she always prefers her age group, but the point is that she can really be with anyone. And I think that that is something that is so amazing with homeschooling. Because she's not used to being conditional. This is your age group. And these are the only people you can socialize with. And I feel like that kind of stunts.
J -
Yes. Uh huh. Cause... ??? it's that real life, right? I mean, I think before, even if you went to school, it was, like, a neighborhood school, and you're with your community, and, you know, you're all interacting all the time with your neighbors, whereas now, we live in a such an isolated society, that people come home from school or work and they open the garage, and they shut it, and they go in their house and they don't come outside. And so, you're not getting that various age group interaction. And so, if they're in a classroom with, the only people your own age, yeah, you'd think this is the world, right? I mean, you don't learn the skills, you know, you don't learn, like, oh, I need to talk quietly and have patience and be very careful around the little toddler. And, you know, or even how to talk to adults. I mean, my kids have no...and sometimes, I have to, like, reign them in. I'm like, okay, this adult is not your best friend. Like, you're don't have to just, you know, start goofin' off with them and tellin' your whole life story. There are some parameters here. But they're just so comfortable. Like, it just doesn't even phase them, right? And that's real socialization. That is preparing them for life.
E -
That's so true. And I think also, the fact that, they might miss out on this amazing friendship in the future because of an age gap. And thinking, oh, I can't be friends with them because they're younger than me, or they're older than me. And we know that years later, that age difference is nothing. But, you know, some of my closest friends, many of them, yes, are around my age, but some of them might be younger, some of them are older, and it's just, it's such a beautiful experience to have, even as an adult, so imagine within their age.
J -
Yeah. Yeah, that's a great point. I definitely think that kind of...we both have that fear, could kind of spoil them that it...yeah, that's a good thing for the kind of environment that they're in when they're homeschooled.
Today's episode is brought to you by A Gentle Feast. A Gentle Feast is a complete curriculum for grades one through twelve that is family centered, inspired by Ms. Mason's programs and philosophy, and rooted in books, beauty, and Biblical truth. You can find out how smooth and easy days are closer than you think at AGentleFeast.com.
Let's talk specifically now about a Charlotte Mason education. So, what about the Charlotte Mason philosophy or methods do you think is particularly beneficial for an only child?
E -
There is this excellent, excellent article, called the Education of an Only Child, that was printed in the Parent's Review in 1901.
J -
What? No way! ??? so I will put that in the show notes.
E -
And...it is excellent. Excellent. It was written by Ms. Parsons. And it was edited by Ms. Mason herself. And so much...I mean, it was such a wealth of experience and she gave so many how-to's in this article. So good. I talk a lot about it in this series that I did on my blog, on only child series. But I'll give you just a little jist, right? So, for...in terms of a Charlotte Mason education, we know that Ms. Mason stressed, like, self-learning, right? That they had to learn for themselves. And that's a must. But, see, what happens sometimes, when you have an only child, it sometimes can be tricky, because you have five kids, right? So, I mean, the...I'm gonna assume, you might have been a little more hands-on with the first one. But then by the fifth one, they were like, way more independent.
J -
Yep. Pretty much! It was like... survival of the fittest, here, kid. Sorry.
E -
You could change your own diaper, right?
J -
Yep. Sure.
E -
So, when you're a parent of an only child, you kinda stay in that first stage and so, that is, that can be tricky. And so, you have more time to focus on them. They have all our attention. Which can be overwhelming and even paralyzing.
J -
Yeah, I can see that for sure. Like, you're kind of enabling, almost, sometimes.
E -
Yes. Absolutely. We wanna do so much, and we don't want them to be mini-replicas of ourselves, right? That mirror, like, every thought and action. Cause God created them to be unique. And that's the way He's designed them to be, to have their own thoughts. I actually have these two really great quotes from the article concerning that. Do you think...
J -
Yeah, please.
E -
Okay. So, well, you know, in typical Charlotte Mason form, they're a little lengthy. So... first quote is, the parents of an only child do well to resist the temptation to have their child continually with them. To be...
J -
Oh, that's so good.
E -
...not for the child's good, let alone the parent's. For one thing, there is this danger of his being shown and told everything and left to find out nothing. I do not believe that anybody would be the better for an exclusive association with intellectual superiors. The poorer mind may not be of a nature to be overexcited and overwrought, but in this case, another evil arises. It is led to adopt its opinions instead of thinking them, and find a shortcut, yeah, to point to which it would be better if it should find its way clever, positive minded people ought, particularly to be where of letting their children grow into forlorn parrots of themselves. The truth is that there is one path to wisdom and only one. The path of thought. Whoever gets your only child into the habit of thinking will have put him in the way of a liberal education. That was the first one.
J -
And I think that even, like, for parents who have more than one child. Like, in our culture at large, I mean, that is a huge temptation, of, we have to be the fount of all knowledge and we have to be constantly talking to them and teaching them and the kids have no time to think for them. They're not left to have that kind of free time. Or if they are, they're in front of a devise, so they're not exploring ideas and thinking through thoughts.
E -
Would be the talky-talky that Ms. Mason would say, right?
J -
Yes. Right.
E -
Talky talky. Well, this one is really, like, this one is, what we call in Spanish a ??? like when you get a little, you get some punishment over this. This is...like it's a verbal...
J -
A little reprimand.
E -
Yeah, it's more like a spanking. It's like a verbal spanking.
J -
Okay. So, Charlotte Mason giving us...
E -
So she...Ms. Parsons writes, parents are the instruments, that they are not to be the ‘all in all’. Room must be left for some independent action, for many an unsuggested impulse, for self-reliance, for temptations and trials, with their natural results of victory, with selfish backed or defeat with remorse. Take off sometimes the bridal and the blinkers and set the child on the bare backed horse of his own will. By such treatment, his moral nature, being aptly exercised will be seasonably strengthened, and when he comes into the world as man, he will come with the man's weapons of defense. Whereas, if the child be constantly overprotected, he will come into the world, a moral weakling.
J -
Yes.
E -
I was like, ouch! I don't want ever my child to be a moral weakling because I'm being overprotective, or I'm over helping. And that's where I say the little spanking there. I mean, it's pretty much...she's always talking about...not, she's always, but she spoke a lot about masterly inactivity. And, we have to...that wise and purposeful letting alone of children is the best part of education. And so, they have to be, they have to do their independent learning and thinking. It's a must. And so, us, the parents of only children, we have to more intentional and allowing self-reliance and independent learning to happen. And so, so how do we do this, right? So, that's the first one that they have to learn independently. And then, she takes some things that we do already, in a Charlotte Mason education, but that gives it a little different purpose for an only child. So, for example, handicrafts. Very simple handicrafts. But she talks about that this is something so...when we think of handicrafts, or we think, oftentimes, oh, okay, something fun, right? Something to do. But, when you're, when you have an only child, then it helps them to think outside of themselves. So, when you have siblings, you're kind of like, already trained to think of others, because you have to share. You have to share everything. You have to share food and so on and so forth. And so, little things like that can be a little challenging. So, when you're working on handicrafts, then it helps them to create things for others. And so they're thinking of other people. If, when you're teaching your child to sew clothes, all of these things, it's teaching your child a life skill that brings joy, but then it's also, you can sew things for others. And, you can help others in a way. So, it's kind of getting them outside of their own little world.
J -
Yeah. For sure.
E -
Another thing is, community service. So, in this article, they talked about...I'm gonna read it, cause it's funny. Another corrective of the characteristic only-ness of the only child is to let him know something familiarly of the children of the poor. So, to stay a week or ten days with his nurse's people in the green and flowerful country is a broadening experience for your only boy. Insight into real life from a new angle is the most precious piece of knowledge that can come to any of us and is more precious to the only child than to anyone else. So, I really love this, because, I mean, obviously, we're in a different time, so we're not gonna send our kid somewhere for two weeks, right? Unless, they're, like, family, or grandparents. And then, we don't, most of us don't have a nurse that cares for our kids. But, the one thing is that we have that Jesus said that we'll always have is the poor. And so there's always going to be the needy and the disenfranchised for us to serve in whatever way. And so community service, it really enables our only child to think outside of your world. To serve others the way Jesus served people. To have compassion the way Jesus did. And, it could, that could happen through your church, or a nonprofit organization. Whatever it is, the being very intentional with your only child, taking that time for your only child to participate in these activities. Again, when I said before about, kind of doing a little more with extracurricular activities. What I do with my girl, then it kind of goes in line with community service. Sometimes ya gotta do a little extra to make sure that they're really thinking of others.
J -
That's great. I really like that idea. That I could...it's funny, cause I tell people, I was an only. They're like, oh, so you were spoiled. I'm like, uh, no. You know? But, I think people automatically go there. Like, yes, I was the only one, you know, digging for my parent's attention, but they did do a very good job, I feel like, of what this...it talked about in that article of, like, making me very independent and letting me entertain myself for long periods of time. I just remember, like, being in the backyard writing poetry for hours. Reading books, you know, like, I had a lot of time where I was supposed to entertain myself and, that was bad time, you know? So, it wasn't they weren't my constant playmates. So, they did a great job with that. But, yeah, like you were saying, like, about a...??? or something like...there was the resources to kind of do that. But, I feel like I was just always extremely tenderhearted. So, even if I might have had that kind of, you know, where, I was getting more resources, or more time, than if I would have had siblings. It wasn't like...it was never an insular thing, you know? And so, I've always...cause, when I was in third grade, I wanted to be president of the United States, which is hilarious now, because they couldn't pay me a million dollars. Even for the...??? very bad, that job. But, ??? break down all the things I would do if I was president, and I just remember, like, I'm gonna build houses for, like, all the homeless people. All that stuff. But, I just think that that came from, like you said, like, being out in the world, being around people, reading books. Oliver Twist was one of my favorite books when I was in elementary school. Like, those stories that you...we use in a Charlotte Mason education, build that empathy. So, even if they're not necessarily seeing that heartache, right? On a regular basis, which I think is so important, but, even just reading about it too, is so powerful.
E -
That is so true. And, you know, when you were speaking, it started reminding me that I had two older brothers. And so, I'm not an only child, but I was raised a little bit like one.
J -
Okay. Yeah.
E -
...significantly older. So, by the time I was, I'm gonna say, about eleven, my brothers were already out of the house. Because they were about ten years older than me. And, I, they would say that I'm spoiled...??? because I, you know, I got special dinners so I didn't have to eat, like, the things that they might. That they had to eat.
J -
Oh yeah. Well, that always happens to the youngest though. Like, my older ones are like, mom, they get to do all the stuff that we were never allowed to do at that age. You know, I'm like, well, I'm tired, sorry.
E -
I think that's exactly what happened. Like, my parents were older by the time I came along. And, well, and not so much for my mom, but my dad. And it's just a different attitude. And then, I was the only girl. So, I think that was... But I, my parents really modeled kindness, and generosity. And, we just, I remember, just, not being explicitly taught that, but just kind of soaking it in. And so, that it became...
J -
...powerful that way. It's the atmosphere, right? Yeah.
E -
Yes. Yes. Absolutely. And then I became like them and it wasn't even until adulthood, realizing, oh wow, like, that comes from mom. And, just having to be really, more, like, realizing that. And I'm going wow, like, this is them. So, it's just really important to have...to just be that, right? Because it's what's the use of participating in community outreach and community service, but you're not even doing it at home, right? And so that has to be the atmosphere. That's so true. And then, another one that's huge, for Charlotte Mason, was to be out in nature. So, in the article, it talked a lot about the child just being around a large measure of country. The lighting and interest of the country, and I take that as, just letting nature speak to you. And so a lot of us don't have the luxury of being out in the country. Like me, I'm in New York City. But there's plenty of opportunities. Taking walks around the park. Or taking walks around the neighborhood. There's so many ways. Sometimes, we kind of have this idea and we kind of become close-minded about even out nature study. Like, nature is just...nature walks, nature study, it's...you're just being around His creation. And His creation, in my area, is kind of different than in your area, because we just live in different places. But it doesn't lessen His creation. Like, the birds...a robin is still a robin, right? Right? The stars at night, and focusing on astronomy...the moon is gonna shine just as bright in my neighborhood as it does in yours. So, there's so many opportunities. But she talks a lot about being in nature, and again, having those opportunities to be with, even, with other kids, right? With other groups. That's why, that's how we met so many...I'm gonna say that most of the people who we've really become, like, good, good, friends with, they were the ones that were in these nature groups with us. Cause we would spend, like, hours on end together.
J -
Yeah. And it's so easy, too, cause it's not, like, ya have to get some form of co-op thing started. Like, we're gonna meet at this park and we're gonna walk around. Like, it takes very little planning to start a nature group.
E -
Oh, my gosh. For sure. For sure. They're...on the series that I did on my blog, it was a three-part series. The second one focused solely on group interaction, and I give, like, a long list of things that you can do for group activities, but I said that one thing, too. That, if you are intimidated by trying to lead a certain group, just do a part play. Just, you know, meet somewhere. Just...
J -
That the...I interviewed the lady that does the one thousand hours outside. And that's how she got started, was just, a park day with another homeschool family.
E -
That's all, cause yeah. It's just because you're having your child socialize with these other kids. And something that...I'd like to mention that isn't really part of a CM education, per se, but it was mentioned in the article. It was stressed about spending time with other families. Other families ???
J -
I can see that.
E -
And, in the article, it talked about having the witness, the interaction, between siblings. And it was so good, and so...what...that spoke to me, that that solidified a lot for me, because I end up spending...we spend a lot...my daughter and I spend a lot of time in other people's homes, because most of the time, it's like, it's easier for the one mom and one child to go to the home. Multiple kids, alright. So, we spend a lot of time in other people's homes, and especially with our closest friends. And, having my daughter just witness compassion, like, of an older child with a younger child, with a sibling. Or, witnessing chores. Because that's another thing that happens when you an only child. Sometimes, it's like, like me as a parent, before, I would say things in my mind, to myself, like, it's gonna be more trouble to get her to pick this up. Let me just pick this up real quick. Because it's just one child. Now, people go, well you only have one child, so it shouldn't be that much of a mess. I'm like, well, first of all, I have a creative child. So, it's like...
J -
My bedroom growing up was disgusting. So, I'm fully capable of destroying it by myself. Yeah.
E -
Oh, my goodness, it's like, creation after creation after creation, I'm like, okay. And then she comes to me, so happy, look what I created. I'm like, aw...that's so good baby. Now, can you pick up?
J -
Vacuum the glitter, please?
E -
Oh my gosh, glitter! And I'm so glad the slime phase is done.
J -
Oh, hallelujah, thank you Jesus. I agree.
E -
Her carpet's still tell a lot...
J -
Uh huh! Mine...yep!
E -
So, having her witness the other kids do chores in their homes. Or, even how they would respond respectfully to their parents and that has been more impacting than if I talked to her about it, right? It was something she was seeing, and so she would come home...one time, she came home, and she said to me, you know, I don't think you have enough rules me. But I was just like, okay.
J -
Yeah, my kids have never said that.
E -
Well, but see, these are the kinds of things that happen, right? And, I'm like, okay. And so, I think, what happened is that, I wasn't being as clear as like in the other homes. And so, that has been so wonderful, a wonderful experience for her to witness with these other families.
J -
That's a great point with chores, though. I mean, Charlotte Mason in, especially in the younger forms, on the programs, there was work, which wasn't just handicrafts. It was this chores, cooking, gardening, those kinda things. And one of the things I feel like my parents did a great job with, that helped me become independent, was the chore concept. So, even, gosh, I was, like, in first grade. I was responsible for packing my own lunch and remembering to take it every day. And I came home after school, I'd had a key around my neck, and, you know, the 80's when they let us do all this stuff. And I'd let myself in the house, you know, and...
E -
Latch key.
J -
Yep. And wait till my parents got home. But, it did create in a me a lot of independence, and so, you know, I think that article is kinda saying that. Like, you do have to, I mean, today's world you can't do stuff like that. But, as...what you can do, you know, giving them that independent responsibility, and then starting...gosh, I was probably only, like, nine or ten. One night a week, I had to make dinner. And I had to plan it out ahead of time, tell my dad what, you know, I needed in the recipe. And cook it. And it was like, and, you know, and then, every Thursday night, I had my different chores. We did 'em on Thursday nights. And, it just became a routine. But, yeah, that's a really...I would never even thought of that. But having that responsibility really did help me a lot.
E -
Wow. That's awesome. See, my mom, she...my mom was a working mom. My parents both working, and they did their absolute best. They really focused on education, and so much that my mother always said to me, I don't want you focusing on anything in the house. She said, just keep your room clean, and focus on your studies. That's what she said to me. And...
J -
It is so much. I mean, when you're in school all day and then you have to come home and study and do homework, I mean, it really...there isn't much time to do a whole lot of chores.
E -
I think that she did that out of a lot of love, and I'm glad she's not gonna be listening to this podcast, because, I think, unfortunately, it did me a disservice, because, I remember, my...the first time that I...when I went away to college, and I did my laundry for the first time. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm even saying this, like, nationally. But, I did my laundry for the first time, and I was reading the label on the washing machine. And I had a friend there, we had to... friends... and I said, I asked her a question, and she looked at me. She goes...she was also...she was from New Jersey...and she looked at me and she goes, you don't know how to do your laundry? No...I, like for the first time feeling that shame that I didn't, like... was I supposed to?
J -
Like, do not feel bad though, cause, like, my...it's so funny, cause my daughter, that's in college, called me, like, the first week of school. She's like, mom, you would not believe how many people I had to give a laundry tutorial to. Like, none of these kids learned how to do their laundry, mom. Aren't you glad I taught you how to do that? She's like, yes! And then, this year, she has her own apartment, and is like, mom, my roommates do not know how to cook spaghetti. Like, you know? It's...
E -
Oh my gosh. Julie, that was my next one. I cooked my first dish when I was like, 21, maybe 20. I finally, I moved off campus. And then I'm just like, mommy, how do you make rice? And then, the first time, the first few times, they were coming out, like, hard, like little rocks.
J -
Right? Don't feel bad, girl, I still mess up rice.
E -
You know, so, I know that she did it out of love for me, and that was for...but, you know, she did a disservice for me. And so, I thank God that I was able to catch up. But, it's given me a different mentality with my own daughter, in giving her...and then also learning more of the Charlotte Mason method, about giving her more of these responsibilities. But it hasn't been something overnight, for us. So, it's been being with others and see, cause, and that's another thing. Sometimes, knowing the concept and understanding the concept, but how do we, how do I do this? Like, what is practical way? Oh! I remember, this wasn't even over homeschooling, but I remember when my daughter was seven, and just talking to another mom, and she wasn't a homeschooler, but she said, yeah, I have my daughter make her bed every day. And I said, oh, hmm. I never even thought of that. I was making bed. And so, she started at seven, and it was a lot of complaining at first. But she already knows. And, so, it's just, it's just, it's great just to be around others. But I also wanna add, that, sometimes, there can, you can feel pressure to, as a parent of an only child, you can feel pressured to have to be with, have your child hang out with everyone. Like, having your child hang out with a friend who maybe, you don't really click with the mom. Right? And it's not, it may not be anything, like, negative. It's just, you need friends too. Right? Mom needs friends too, and so, my daughter is super social, so, like, everybody was, like, her best friend. And within the first meeting. And I'm like, yeah, but you know, mom and I, it was cool, nothing wrong. It's just, there wasn't that kindred spirit feeling when you make that connection, like, aw, I really, like, I feel like someone breathed life into me, just because I had this special time with this mom. And so, I made a decision, early on, after a few experiences, I made a decision to be more selective. And to make sure that the child my daughter connects with, if I'm gonna be doing play dates and spending a lot of time, that I'm connecting with the mom in that same way. And that's been really good. And I think another thing, as well, is that sometimes, we have situations where a child may not be a positive influence on your child. And so, you know, it's not that you don't spend time with families that might be struggling, because, as Christians, you know, we're called to be a light. And so, we can do that. But, the difference, when it comes to homeschooling, is that, there's more of a choice. So, what, who are we gonna be spending the most time with? So, we can spend some time with this struggling family and be a light to them. But the majority of the time is going to be with people who we could be a light to as well, but they're also being a light to us. And so...
J -
I tell my kids that all the time when they're choosing their friends, because, it's like, the five people that you spend the most time with are going to have the greatest influence on who you are as a person.
E -
So true. Absolutely.
J -
So, that's a very good point, yeah. To have that kind of percentage of, okay, like, five percent goes to this. Ninety-five percent, you know, is invested in here, especially, I think, when they're younger and they're so, just impressionable, too, is really important too.
E -
Absolutely. You're teaching them what friendship looks like. What does friendship look like? And there was another great quote from...this one, I just took a little excerpt of this in my quote. It's just, she said, in the article, character can only grow in society and I love that, right? So, I would just add to that, that I have to be selective on what society she's growing in. Right? So, if it a needy society that she's serving, beautiful. But then I also have to have a society that breathes life into her, that helps her, molds her character into one that is more like Jesus. That is more Holy Spirit filled. And so, it's just, again, constantly finding that balance and then, the wisdom that comes only from the Holy Spirit. And I know that one of the questions that you asked me was from my favorite quote? From Charlotte Mason, and I'm sorry if I'm jumping the gun here...
J -
No! No, let's jump into that, yeah.
E -
It kinda, it has to do with it. Because, it's the...a very popular one from Volume Two, where Charlotte Mason says, all of our teaching of children should be given reverently, with the humble sense that we are invited in this matter to cooperate with the Holy Spirit and that it...but it should be given dutifully and diligently and so, every aspect, whether it's in your classroom, during your homeschool hours, or whether it's during socializing. Or whether it's at home, right? With these chores and all of the, that we've been having this conversation with, it's this really important to me. I'm learning to depend more no the Holy Spirit, and I'm learning to listen more. That when He speaks, that I am spending time with him so I can hear him. That when my daughter shares a need, and maybe she might be sharing it in a way that I am not happy with. It might...like, outburst. Or it might seem, just, disrespectful...not that we don't correct, right? But I'm just saying that, sometimes there's a cry from a child, they're not able to communicate properly. And so, that, as I'm guiding my child to communicate, I also have to be listening to the Holy Spirit when He tells me, she's crying out to you. She's crying out because she's not having enough time with you. She is longing for more time with you. So, even though we have this special time together as mother-daughter, it's no one else, but sometimes, we get caught up...let me speak for myself...I get caught up with, okay, we did homeschool, now it's time to do things for the house. Now it's time... to go food shopping now. And she's saying, we've spent time together all day, but it hasn't been just me and you doing something that I wanna do or, you know, that special time. And so, that's been, that is something I struggle with that, that concept has been life changing, that we've been following for a few years. But I struggle with it. I struggle taking ten to twenty minutes a day to just do something that she wants to do so that her cup is filled, and that she knows that mommy loves her. That mommy's just not her teacher, but that mommy loves her and that mommy enjoys spending time with her. And that she enjoys spending time with mommy. Because I don't want it to be that, you know, she grows up and she's out of...you know, out on her own, and it's like, yeah, mom was great teacher, but, you know. We didn't spend as much quality time cause all we did was Charlotte Mason. ???
J -
Listen to my narrations. Yeah. I think that's a great point. And I, you know, I have to be real mindful of that as well, so I appreciate you bringing up that point. You know, I go through seasons where I'm really good about scheduling dates with all of my kids. And then, life happens, and it gets busy, and then it goes away, and then I get reminded about that from the Holy Spirit. Oh my goodness! Wait! What am I doing? You know? And you're...it's so right. I mean, it can really be ten minutes. And I mean, you know, I don't...I only have three at home still, so that's thirty minutes a day. But it's giving them, it's filling that cup and they're learning and they're experiencing life from overflow, and not always being so needy. And you're right, like, that does lead to so much acting out kind of behaviors. Yeah. So that's a really great encouragement for me as well, so, do you have any final thoughts for parents that are homeschooling an only child, before we wrap up here?
E -
Oh, wow. I feel like I gave you...oh, you know what? I do have a final thought. When I first started homeschooling, you had...we started off the interview with this so saying that I felt alone. And what happened is that I felt...it was something I didn't realize, but I really felt, actually, kind of, really inadequate. Because I just had one. That's what I felt like. I just had one. And that's, you know, it...it is hard, when, like, you had five kids. Like, that's the norm for me...??? I have five kids. ???
J -
And this is the one place where it is normal, and everywhere else that I am interacting with people are like, um, you know what causes that right? Like, I was like, yes, thank you. At the grocery store, or whatever.
E -
It's so true. It's so true. Like, we have really close friends. They don't homeschool, but they're from our church and they have six kids, and we always...we always joke around about, we have different kinds of jokes. Everything... right? But then, when I became...when I started homeschooling, I told them, I was like, oh my gosh, you guys would fit right in. Cause, like, this is the norm. And so, what is happening is that mentally I was feeling as if, I don't know, like...
J -
Yeah, I can totally see that. Right? Yeah. Or like...yeah.
E -
Like, my struggles weren't valid because, here I am, complaining about these...and the struggle has been very real. Very...crying, crying out to God, and so much...again, we needed a lot of healing. And then, I'm like, who am I to complain when this person has six kids? Like, so that's what I felt. And, God has just, His faithfulness, and His kindness, is...He always meets us where we're at. He's just amazing. And I was at my Charlotte Mason book club, that's led by ??? Another good friend of...
J -
Yeah?
E -
And, one of the new moms, I...we were talking and she had three kids. She had a baby. She was pregnant, actually, I think, at the time. And she's like, so how many kids do you have? We were talking. And that's the question that I always get. Oh, I just have one, I just have one. And then I said to her, I was telling her about a conference that I went to, and I was like, the only one with one. And I said, you know, with just one...and she was a very...she's very kind, she's very humble. Very soft-spoken. But, all of a sudden, she said, she just kind of cut me off. And she said, don't be ashamed of having one child. The love and care you put with one child is the same as with three. The work of a mother is hard, regardless of how many children you have. And, I was floored, because, there are moments that I don't know when the Holy Spirit's speakin', and there are moments that... I know. ??? And, you know, I had to go home and, not that I left...when I went home, I said to myself, do I feel ashamed? Is there shame in my heart because this child is my answered prayer? You know, we waited four years for this child. This child is my answered prayer. So, why is there shame? Why is there shame? And so, God had to deal with that. He had to deal with that feeling. And so I'm, you know, I know that my value is in God. And my identity is in God. But there really is something special that happens when someone validates you. When it's from...you know that it's from God, because it is, it's, it, again, it was Holy Spirit led, but here you have...I have a mom of three telling me, she was validating me, with a gentle reproach, at that. She was validating me. And, so, you know, that's my encouragement that I wanna be...
J -
Ah, that is so good. I know that there's a mom who's listening to this who God made you to say to them. Yeah.
E -
Yeah. Like, this is Kingdom work. It's one of legacy and you, mama of one child, you're leaving a handprint on history with your one child, with your one child. And, so they are just as valid, they are just as important, and you are just as important, because God has given this child to you. And, never feel like that is not enough. You know, there are a lot of amazing people who did a lot of amazing things and they were only children, and...
J -
Sort of like me, for instance, right?
E -
...was one of them! Look at that!
J -
For sure! You're hilarious.
E -
You know, what's funny, too, because, you said you were one child with...I mean, an only child with five kids. My daughter, when she plays with her dolls, especially with...she's, you know, she's kind of transitioning right now. Playing less with dolls. But, she always had...she would go, yeah, these are all my children. And she always had five, six. She got to nine dolls and...
J -
I wanted six. Yep.
E -
They were all her children...
J -
When I was little. Yep.
E -
So, I strongly believe that she's gonna be a mother of many, so what I didn't get in children, I think I'm gonna get in grandchildren.
J -
Well, that's what...that's what my dad always says. He's like, man, I hit the jackpot. I...??? all my friends, they're like, man, you lucked out. One kid, but ya have grandkids! Yeah. They only have, like, one grandchild, and they had a whole bunch of kids, right? So, yeah. Totally, yeah. It's funny how God works that all out. Can you just imagine? This has just been so encouraging, and like I said, I know this is really gonna bless a mom of an only child out there, just to be encouraged and just have some really practical steps for incorporating this beautiful philosophy into their home, and I just...
E -
And Julie, thank you, thank you so much, for even making this into an episode. Because, you're doing the same thing for someone else that that mom did for me. You're validating them, saying, listen, you're not alone. There are others like you. And there are so many that I'm gonna do an episode on it.
J -
Yeah.
E -
Thank you for this.
J -
Yeah. Yeah, so how can people connect with you?
E -
So, I have my blog, CharlotteMasonCityLiving.com. I'm also, I mean, I'm on Facebook, but I'm really more Instagram. So, Charlotte Mason City Living for Facebook, and CM City Living at Instagram. And then, I'm also with my beautiful sisters, Min, Simone, and Marianna, on Charlotte Mason For All podcast. And so, we have our website as well. And so, there are multiple ways to begin such...
J -
I'll put a link to that, to your podcast, and those other resources in the show at homeschooling.mom, and then, also, I'll put a link, you mentioned this blog series that you had for homeschooling an only child. And also that Parent's Review article that you mentioned, so people can, if they wanna read that in more depth, they can find it there, as well. So. Again, thank you so much for taking this time. It was really great to talk to you.
E -
Thank you, Julie.
J -
Thank you for joining us today on the Charlotte Mason Show. I'm your host, Julie Ross, and I would love to meet you in person. All of the Great Homeschool Conventions have been rescheduled to 2021. Go to GreatHomeschoolConventions.com to find a convention near you.
But you don't have to wait until 2021 to experience the amazing speakers and vendors at the Great Homeschool Conventions. They now offer an online convention that you can find on GreatHomeschoolConventions.com.
Also, if you would like the show notes for today's episode, go to homeschooling.mom. If you would take a moment to subscribe to this podcast in iTunes and leave a review, I would greatly appreciate it. It helps get the word out about this podcast to our audience.
Thanks for joining me today. Until next time, may your home be filled with books, beauty, and Biblical truth.
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